The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi (2003)

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Not many people are aware of it, but I’m a huge fan of the “Zatoichi” series. I love the series, and I’ve seen almost all of them, so when I was finally able to get my hands on the Beat Takeshi sequel, I was ecstatic. What made Zatoichi was that Shintaro Katsu presented such an inept and humble distinction to him that he was never thought to be a dangerous persona, but Katsu strived in making Zatoichi so unassuming, yet so utterly deadly. Katsu was short, chubby, and seemingly incapable of being able to learn any sort of arts, but once criminals crossed Ichi’s path, he spoke loudly with his rapid fire sword work. For those unaware of the character, Zatoichi is an ex-yakuza who lost his eyesight during a war, and became a masseur traveling across the land as an anti-hero.

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My First Wedding (2004)

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1279117456_f0af2e85-0edf-4b57-ac96-acd9726bcc08“My First Wedding” is basically a neo-eighties rom com plus incredible fluff based around quirky mix-ups and goofy situations that basically could have been set in the time of sex crazed comedies. A nymphomaniac arrives at a church one day to repair a confessional, and a seemingly gorgeous girl crashes in to confess her sins while he listens anxiously and decides he’s going to pursue her. Enter hilarious situations including awfully gullible characters. Where’s Mr. Roper? But then, that’s the fun of watching “My First Wedding” because it’s basically two nymphos courting each other, with pretty humorous situations involving a wedding party in which Doughty is forced to improvise about his knowledge of the bible, and it’s rather humorous watching him trying to get his way by pretending to be a priest.

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True Caribbean Pirates

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To ring in, or market off of, the arrival of the surefire moneymaker “Pirates of the Caribbean”, the History Channel’s newest documovie explores the legends and origins of pirates. Pirates of the Caribbean (as the narrator so sneakily includes) have been around since the 1700’s, and they’ve been a staple of pop culture and the world ever since. Pirates truly are no laughing matter being described as vicious killer and rapists whom roam along the open seas where law is not in power, and proceed in snatching up hapless victims.

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Psych

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PsychShawn Preston is excellent at noticing clues and hints to a crime. He’s so excellent, he’s practically a psychic. And now you know what the basic plot is. Preston, taught to point out clues and heighten his intuition since he was a boy, thanks to his demanding officer father (Corbin Bernsen), can solve many crimes by just watching a news report then calls, reports information and collects on the reward money, and it’s gotten him into hot water. To prove he didn’t commit the crimes, he pretends to be psychic. And then it gets interesting.

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Voodoo Moon (2005)

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voodoomoonbigOutside of Buffy geeks, I really don’t see what reason you could have for liking “Voodoo Moon”. It’s a limp semi-action fantasy that uses the device of Voodoo as an excuse to expose its superhero, said hero is in the form of Eric Mabius who looks like quasi-Brandon Lee circa 1994. He’s dressed like a Goth, but really is a Voodoo shaman who is forced to fight off an evil entity that killed his mom and dad when he was a child. He enlists the help of his sister, played by Charisma Carpenter, who has a penchant for drawing pictures that foretell the future. And that’s really all she’s good for.

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Dirty Love (2004)

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55Hey Jenny McCarthy, it’s cute you want to take after your hero Lucille Ball, and it’s cute you have aspirations of being funny, but stop. Can you do that for me? Stop trying, and go away. Go away and live on whatever royalties you’re getting from your days on MTV. You’re not hot when you’re farting everywhere, and you never were. You’re not funny, and you never will be. I appreciate your willingness to pretend you’re outrageous, but why do you keep making a fool of yourself? It’s really embarrassing. “Dirty Love” is sad, only because it’s the last efforts of a failed comedienne to show audiences how “quirky” and “outrageous” she can be, and she does this by making a really bad movie.

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