The words Robert Rodriguez would come to regret saying for years to his son: “This would make a cool movie”. Oy. It’s difficult to just outright cut this movie a new one, especially since the intentions behind it are admirable. Whether or not Rodriguez’ son thought of the story, dreamt of these characters, and or co-wrote this screenplay, it’s hard to completely rip it apart. It sucks, that’s a given, and its Rodriguez’ worst, but I’m still trying to figure out why this was made. I remember kids movies being bad, especially when I was a kid. I had to suffer through “Rock a Doodle”, “Ferngully”, and “Mom and Dad Save the World”, but I believe it’s possible to make a very good kids film.
Tag Archives: A
The Aristocrats (2005) (DVD)
Now for the record, I’ve heard the joke told on this film months before its actual release, and I have my own version I tell that involves a baby, a small girl, and a lot of piss. But I digress. The thing you must know about this joke is that it’s not about the punch line, it’s the descriptions within the lead up to the punch line. It’s not that funny of a joke, you won’t even laugh, but the description is the genius. The set up: “A man walks in to a Vaudeville agents office and says: ‘Boy, do I have an act for you!'” and thus begins one of the most vile jokes ever told.
Alexander (2004)
After the failure of “Alexander”, Stone, always the conspiracy buff, used this excuse: “Alexander failed because of conservative opposition to homosexuality.” Which answers the question, what does a conspiracy theorist do when they fail? Make their failure in to a conspiracy. “No, it wasn’t my fault, it’s the government!” But if a heavily homosexually driven film like “Brokeback Mountain” could succeed why couldn’t a film with mild homosexual themes make it? Answer that one, Stoner. Did you ever think that perhaps your movie really sucks? Because it does. Never since “Caligula” have I seen such a cheesy, ridiculous, and utterly boring “epic” that fails to be as good as it tries to be. From Anthony Hopkins typical dramatic narration spelling the film out for us, right down to the sickeningly grandiose style it’s unashamed to flaunt, “Alexander” is a bad movie that will show all that the gladiator fad is over and done with. So quit it, y’hear?
Are We There Yet? (2005)
Though, I can respect Mr. Cube for wanting to think outside the box, someone never told him that a disgruntled man around bratty kids is not. If Cube wanted to think outside the box, he should have thought in the lines of independent film, or documentary. But then, this is the man that starred in the “Friday” films, so it’s all relative. Cube who has his own production company has yet to turn out anything original and this is never really any different.
The Anarchist Cookbook (2002)
This is often very fascinating in its examination of the anarchist culture and tends to occasionally give us small tidbits and nuggets of information and insight in to the anarchist culture while occasionally giving us some great dialogue that are thrown our way every now and again. It’s often fascinating to see what good intentioned people anarchists strive to be when you shed away the poseurs and wannabes. They’re anti-establishment, they’re for the exchange of un-tattered ideas and are against propaganda. Sometimes if you look hard enough “Anarchist” can be fascinating to watch.
Alien 51 (2004)
[In reference to our main character Cleo]
Randy: Does she seem a little off to you?
Officer: She’s hot, Randy. She can be as off as she wants.
It’s a pretty safe bet that “Alien 51” is quite possibly one of the worst science fiction monster movies I’ve ever seen. I challenge you to find something else so creatively impotent, so utterly derivative, and so nonsensical as the movie I spent ninety minutes drudging and fast-forwarding through. Nothing in this film makes the slightest lick of sense, and it’s clear that either the script was horribly done, or the directors lost so much money, they literally spent the second half simply winging it, coming up with a remaining plot that is so stupid. You know a movie is desperate when it’s biggest star is Heidi Fleiss, you know a movie is desperate when it boasts “Starring Heidi Fleiss”, and you know a movie is desperate when its big attempted draw-in was a has been model who appears as a mustache twirling villainess.
Artie Saves the Hood (2004)
Don’t you hate it when you and your two slacker friends are trying to set up a backyard wrestling court in your backyard, and aliens from another dimension come in to your neighborhood to take it over? It happens more times than you think, and apparently, it’s happening to Artie’s hood. This pretty funny science fiction comedy asks the audience that very questions while giving us a concept that’s like “Shaun of the Dead” mixed with a bit of the Askew Universe. What if the fate of the world depended on a slacker?