I’m going to take a breath, and scream a few “Serenity now” chants before I begin bashing this, because if I don’t, I will unleash a tirade of swears, and vulgar one-liners that will make Lenny Bruce blush in his grave, and make your screen explode. To put it simply “Ocean’s Twelve” or “Whoring actors wanted a giant paycheck”, is the general zeitgeist of the film era. Take a bunch of big name actors, a few veterans, flash a lot of money in their face, and get them to come back for an incredibly forced sequel with an incredibly horrible plotline that not only stretches the creative line thin, but force feeds us an inane ridiculous set of events that never amount up to anything worth watching.
Tag Archives: Action
The Gifted: Limited Edition (Book One) – Duo Review
Felix Vasquez’s Take:
Hell, the New York Times liked this, so I figured once “Cinema Crazed” approved, the creators had it made in the shade with lemonade. Don’t pretend you don’t take our opinions as gospel, you cads. Adam Dechanel, a contributor to one of my haunts: The Superman Homepage, has a comic book series coming out, and a damn good one called “The Gifted”. What we got here is a series that is too adult for children, but not too childish for adults, hence the Parental Advisory sidebar on the cover. Heed the warning, my friends, and don’t come bitching to me later on. So, the series has much potential for a full fledged and ultimately grand series which is now being published under the Clockwork comics logo, and I have to say it’s a fun series.
War of the Worlds (2005)
Spielberg has always shy away from making films involving aliens that were actually aggressive. His was a role to make the aliens more human friendly, and kind, so it was quite a surprise when he signed on to direct this remake which featured prominently aggressive aliens exterminating the human race. As much I truly wanted to hate this remake–and I really did–I couldn’t deny that this was one hell of a film, that only Spielberg could have mustered up. It’s another remake, sure, but I actually managed to like it a lot.
Alien 51 (2004)
[In reference to our main character Cleo]
Randy: Does she seem a little off to you?
Officer: She’s hot, Randy. She can be as off as she wants.
It’s a pretty safe bet that “Alien 51” is quite possibly one of the worst science fiction monster movies I’ve ever seen. I challenge you to find something else so creatively impotent, so utterly derivative, and so nonsensical as the movie I spent ninety minutes drudging and fast-forwarding through. Nothing in this film makes the slightest lick of sense, and it’s clear that either the script was horribly done, or the directors lost so much money, they literally spent the second half simply winging it, coming up with a remaining plot that is so stupid. You know a movie is desperate when it’s biggest star is Heidi Fleiss, you know a movie is desperate when it boasts “Starring Heidi Fleiss”, and you know a movie is desperate when its big attempted draw-in was a has been model who appears as a mustache twirling villainess.
Night Watch (Nochnoy Dozor) (2004)
And then when they said there’s no more original ideas, out comes “Nochnoy Dozor”. If you’re unfamiliar, “Nochnoy Dozor”–or “The Nightwatch”– it is a Russian fantasy epic, the first of a planned trilogy that just finished smashing box office records in Russia becoming the highest grossing film of all time there beating out “Spider-Man 2”. Though it’s not as if Russia is a Mecca for light-hearted epics, “The Nightwatch” has made quite an impact there, and will soon be released and then remade here in the US. Before the Hollywood butcher shop decided to hack their way in to a crappy remake, I decided to grab a hold of the original film, and I wasn’t disappointed.
Red Siren (La Sirene Rouge) (2002)
This is a film that could work. It could work as a film, and it could work as a separate entity. As a film that involves such an elaborate plot, it could work as a purely engrossing thriller, but the problem is it doesn’t work. About half of the time, the film is beaming with potential and possibilities that are completely misfired with another half that just can’t get it at that level of sophistication. “The Red Siren” bounces back and forth with a hackneyed plot that is both confusing and un-involving while presenting sub-plots that are hardly ever developed. So much seems to be happening during this, but none of it is ever fleshed out in to anything completely coherent. “The Red Siren” could also work were it not such a shameless retread of “The Professional”.
Domino (2005)
Director John Ford once said that if you must choose between the fact or the legend, go with the legend, and it’s a known verity that about ninety percent of the biographical pictures ever made in Hollywood have had some or all story elements of its subjects embellished, romanticized, or utterly sensationalized. What you have to appreciate about this is that it admits without shame that it’s somewhat made up. We’re never told by really anyone which parts are fabricated, but the filmmakers sought out to remind us in the opening scenes: “Based on a true story… sort of”. It’s a clever opening that made me somewhat amused because it let me know without bullshitting me that the people are real, but the story is pretty made up, but enjoy it either way.