Into the Blue (2005)

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A group of barge sailors accidentally find buried treasure on the ocean floor and come across deadly pirates. Peter Benchley’s “The Deep”? No you fool, this parade of good looking people and much ridiculousness is called “Into the Blue”, yet another remake. Take the old time storytelling devices and implement the sentiment of today’s culture by juicing it up with a cast full of pretty people with no particular acting ability. If “Into the Blue” is any indicator, the producers were more compelled to flash us than provide a story that wasn’t contrived or incredibly far-fetched. Two young people who should be models are poor in a trailer and go deep sea diving for sunken barges for cash; a plane crashes, and they discover a butt load of cocaine but cross some fierce mobsters and pirates on the way to staking their claims.

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Layer Cake (2004)

layercakepubeFilms like this make me happy I can afford to pay for them because “Layer Cake” is worth the money in the end. Taking off with a very Guy Ritchie sensibility, director Matthew Vaughn who has had involvement with one of my favorite films of the past years “Snatch” creates his own stylish monster of a mob movie with “Layer Cake”. What does the title refer to? Well, that’s basically something left for the climax, but this rampage of sex, booze, drugs, and violence make this one of the best mob movies I’ve seen since “Snatch”. Mr. X is a drug dealer/drug maker who wants to grab life by the balls.

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Artie Saves the Hood (2004)

Don’t you hate it when you and your two slacker friends are trying to set up a backyard wrestling court in your backyard, and aliens from another dimension come in to your neighborhood to take it over? It happens more times than you think, and apparently, it’s happening to Artie’s hood. This pretty funny science fiction comedy asks the audience that very questions while giving us a concept that’s like “Shaun of the Dead” mixed with a bit of the Askew Universe. What if the fate of the world depended on a slacker?

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Lara Croft Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life (2003)

2003_the_cradle_of_lifeI really disliked the first film, I mean for a franchise that had the ability to be a winning formula, it’s sad the studios completely botched it with a low grade, sub-par, and lackluster film. Sure, it had a sense of entertainment, but that only a hint of it, and it attempted to become a feminine “Indiana Jones” while instead transforming in to a poor man’s “Indiana Jones”. When a video game with controllable characters has more life in it than a movie with real actors, that’s just pathetic. With “The Cradle of Life” I didn’t really expect anything different in terms of quality and depth of story. Angelina Jolie is cute, but hardly has the charisma needed for Lara Croft, and “The Cradle of Life” proves it. And surprisingly Jolie is not sexy here.

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The Man with the Screaming Brain (2005)

Bruce Campbell attempts yet again to make another movie with his deal of difficulties, and finally had it released. Granted it was released on the “Sci-Fi” Channel, but it still ends up being a pretty entertaining throwback to the fifties with a mix of schlock for much effect to what the topic of the film entails, because–seriously–comedy or drama, would you watch this film with a straight face? This is science fiction comedy, or comedy with a science fiction twist? Because the screenplay never seems to know.

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Cursed (2005)

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This is “Scream” werewolf style, with red herrings, a hip cast, endless pop culture references, jump scares and a leading lady who can actually act being forced in to a situation. She even has a spazoid sidekick. Plus there’s that “Scream” style ending with everyone running back and forth and the “Maybe it’s him, maybe it’s her, but no it’s this person!” gimmick. But more characteristically, “Cursed” is a jumbled mess filled with moments that will surely have you repeatedly declaring “That would have been a great sequence”, and I was doing the same thing. Werewolves in the mirror room? Would have been great. Changing in to a werewolf in a public bathroom? Would have been great. Silencing barking neighborhood dogs with a howl? Could have been great. But alas, none of it really is.

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Assault on Precinct 13 (2005)

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With this remake, I expected nothing and, just as I suspected, I got practically nothing at all. It’s a load of crap, and a very empty experience when you pit it against Carpenter’s “Assault on Precinct 13.” The original film had the air of exploitation and grind house with a very grainy stark film quality that presented such a grim action flick that was more than what it pretended to be. Carpenter, never the shooter for simplicity, created a very tense and exciting action film that was just beaming with excitement and you gave a shit about the characters in spite of the fact that there was little emphasis. The writers try to top that by attempting to create characters we can care about with really boring back stories that don’t serve as plot elements, but are just devices to be used later on for a convenient twist.

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