The Three Musketeers (1993)

Many people comment on how Disney took a generally dark and adult novel and watered it down for their audience. To those people, I ask: Have you ever seen Paul WS Anderson’s version of the Dumas novel? If anything, what “The Three Musketeers” lacks in poeticism, it makes up for in entertainment value, at least. And I am a big fan of the casting of Keifer Sutherland as the leader of the Musketeers. Basically, Alexandre Dumas’ tale remains fairly in tact save for one caveat. The Musketeers live happily ever after. But then Disney took “Hunchback of Notre Dame” and turned Quasimodo in to a kind hearted gent with a mild facial disfigurement who becomes the hero of his city in the end of the movie, so it comes with the territory.

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Hostel: Part III (2011)

imagesIt’s not like I’m disappointed or anything. I mean, I’m shocked they managed to somehow take a one note ridiculous concept like “Hostel” and turn it in to one whole movie, let alone two. And now they decided to create a third film that attempts to flip the coin on the premise and fails spectacularly. “Hostel Part III” is a mind numbing, cheap, despicable little mess of a horror film, the last release of excess gas on the festering corpse of the torture porn fad that attempts to build on the hollow premise of the first film.

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Ooga Booga (2013)

I’m not sure why, but “Ooga Booga” is apparently in the same universe as “Zombies vs. Strippers.” Not only is the strip club mentioned in passing, but Charles Band shoe horns the woefully unfunny and poorly created recurring character Hambo, a dysfunctional children’s show host in to the movie for reasons I can’t possibly fathom. Perhaps these last two films have been produced by the same person who feels the need to jump start their own Hambo movie somewhere in the future, I can only imagine. This isn’t the first time Charles Band has indicated these movies are all in the same universe, but I’m shocked that Band and Full Moon would rely on a recurring character like Hambo. I’d far more expect Full Moon to create a more enigmatic and interesting character to appear in their films to bridge stories from time to time than a perverted clown with a pig nose who hosts a kids’ show. But lo and behold, that’s what “Ooga Booga” feeds us.

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Hold Your Breath (2012)

hybJust think: Someone at the Asylum offices dug through their piles of Chinese food menus and eventually found the script for “Hold Your Breath” (I’m not including the superfluous hashtag) tucked away. And someone read it thinking this would be the perfect theatrical debut for an Asylum movie. In reality, “Hold Your Breath” should just be another Asylum clunker on DVD, but it warrants a theatrical debut by virtue of the fact that it has minor horror starlet Katrina Bowden attached.

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Tag (2011)

TAGSTILL2This is a side of director Shane Ryan that I’ve never seen before. Intended to be in competition for the winning slot in the highly publicized 2013 horror film “The ABCs of Death,” Shane Ryan gives us “T for Tag.” Now known as “Tag,” Ryan’s short film is a spooky, unnerving, and gruesome bit of revenge cinema that channels the likes of Takashi Shimizu for a short that’s based heavily on violence, murders, and the ever merciless demon of guilt that plagues our young protagonist.

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Les Misérables (2012)

Sadly, I’ve never been to the iconic musical of “Les Miserables,” nor have I ever seen any of the previous adaptations of the Victor Hugo novel. I’ve also never read the novel. In actuality the most I’ve ever seen or known about “Les Miserables” is through an episode of “Animaniacs” where a condensed version of the musical was adapted through animated cats and dogs. When you’re through laughing at me, I like to think that not being knowledgeable about the material gives me somewhat of a different perspective. I’ve seen fans of the musical bash the film for missing the point, and vice versa. As for my thoughts on Tom Hooper’s 2012 adaptation, director Tom Hooper’s adaptation of Victor Hugo’s novel is an often breathtaking and compelling bit of epic musical that kept me considerably compelled and entertained from the moment it began.

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Cemetery High (1989)

cem-highBasically, Gorman Bechard’s “Cemetery High” is a comedy spoof of every rape revenge movie you’ve ever seen. Except when it tries to be funny, it fails painfully. When it tries for exploitation revenge, it manages to be a pretty absurd and interesting bit of revenge horror. I wonder why someone thought mocking this material would make for an entertaining movie. Granted, the tale of women striking down rapists isn’t exactly a dramatic bit of cinematic fare, especially in the late eighties, but mocking the material so incessantly feels so shoe horned, the comedy is awkward rather than unfunny.

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