Tag Archives: Romance

You Have to See This! Bikini Academy (1996)

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Odds are you probably saw “Bikini Academy” in the heyday of late night cable television. It was once a proud institution. Otherwise known as “Babe Watch: Forbidden Parody,” the adult comedy likens itself as a “Baywatch” spoof. In reality there isn’t anything that spoofs or satirizes “Baywatch” save for the fact that most of the movie is set in the beach. In fact almost every shot is filmed during the middle of a sunny day smack dab in the middle of a beach. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

Lucki and her friend Ty-Dy work day to day in a bikini shop and aspire to compete for a job as their local beach’s lifeguards. Training with an uptight drill instructor and hunky trained lifeguard Brock, the two pursue the opportunity in hopes that it can open up their aspirations for modeling and acting. Meanwhile rival Bodacia seeks the job in hopes of improving her modeling career, and will do whatever she can to win, including rigging the contest. That doesn’t sit well with Lucki who has a genuine affection for him, despite his indifference toward her.

And there are boobs. Lots of boobs.

I can think of worse things than watching Kelli Hoffman or Tane McClure for ninety minutes. With small budgets and some pretty crummy actors, Rick Sloane has been able to pull of a pretty great film career with some entertaining schlock. Everything from the silly “Vice Academy” series to the craptastic “Hobgoblins” has managed to achieve some bit of cult fame down the road; especially the latter. Seriously, go watch the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” episode of “Hobgoblins.” It’s one of the funniest two hours of television ever made. That said, “Bikini Academy” is not a spoof or satire, it’s just a really silly C grade sex comedy set on a beach.

I think Rick Sloane probably assumed this kind of beach sex romp would fare well in 1996, which is too bad since movies of this ilk became painfully out of style by 1990. I think in 1986, this might have been just a slight cult classic, rather than simply a cheap sex comedy that you wouldn’t miss, either way. Mind you, “Bikini Academy” is a rare movie from Rick Sloane that is softcore schlock and embraces that fact, but it’s not an experience you have to have. There’s no real up and comer like Johnny Depp in “Private Resort.” It’s just a very raunchy comedy that pulls off some occasional giggles and splashes almost every scene with curvy women in small bikinis.

It doesn’t really try to be anything else but a cheapy schlock, putting gorgeous women in the film front and center, while they compete with one another for a position as a local lifeguard. Sloane’s movie is so thin in concept that he apparently runs out of story after the first forty five minutes and begins staging softcore sex scenes set to library music. You know the kind of scenes I talk about if you ever watched Cinemax After Dark. Yes, it was probably good fodder for late night cable syndication, but it becomes obvious writer-director Sloane is padding the run time as much as he can to fit a ninety minute running time.

bikiniacademy-2 “Bikini Academy” revels in its low budget to deliver some of the goofiest comedy and action ever put to film. The characters have to go through a series of “Revenge of the Nerds” like trials and performances that will make them eligible for a big position as a lifeguard and a highly coveted job that will grant them some opportunities. This is especially fortunate for villainous Bodacia, who is hell bent on winning the contest to improve her modeling career. She takes every measure to win, including bedding a judge or two. Along the way the potential lifeguards also have to help the occasional swimmer, including one woman who very nearly gets dragged in to the water by what is obviously a rubber giant squid.

And in case you doubt director Sloane, you can make out the fake wobbling squid under the water as our stunt actress tries to desperately break free from its tentacles. It’s such an inexplicable scene tacked on for absolutely no rationale that you’ll giggle for a bit and then scratch your head baffled. The laughs don’t stop there. As villain Bodacia looks for a cause to bring to the competition to compete for the job of lifeguard, she conveniently finds a single marlin on the beach covered in oil, and decides to use it as an issue to fight for. Forget how nothing else on the beach is covered in oil, but the fish is so obviously a prop that it’s stiff as a board.

bikiniacademy-3Who knew fish get rigor mortis? Or maybe Tane McClure is just that hot. Rick Sloane must know what everyone watching this movie does, because Kelli Hoffman is not only the hottest woman in the movie, but she manages to steal every single scene she’s shares with the cast. Despite only having a small supporting role, and popping up every now and then, every time she does, it’s a treat for the eyes. The real attraction though is Steven Todd Lange as love interest Brock. His performance here is so stilted and rigged, it feels like director Sloane pulled him out of his office during lunch to read some lines and pretend to be invested in his role.

Rick Sloane relies on a steady formula of repeating the same beats again and again: there’s some kind of cat fight between Tane McClure and heroine Raelynn Saalman, someone makes a few sex jokes and double entendres, there’s a few peeks of women in tight bikinis and Kelli Hoffman looks for any excuse to stroll by on screen. In the end, it all feels like Rick Sloane was still stuck in the mid-eighties, and what comes up is a fairly solid diversion that drips gratuitous schlock at every turn. There’s big breasts, big squids, and a running gag centered on corn, for some reason. It’s a classic Rick Sloane oddity.

Mother’s Day (2016) [Blu-Ray/Digital]

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Sadly, ever since “Love Actually” became a standard of the holiday, Hollywood has enlisted hokey melodrama director Garry Marshall to give us a new holiday based ensemble piece of garbage almost every year. “Mother’s Day” is the latest insidious melodrama about a group of very rich, very healthy Caucasian people bickering about how hard their lives are. One character played by Jennifer Aniston, even decides to throw a humongous party for her sons, just because. Man, can you imagine what would happen if these people ever stepped out of their bubbles? “Mother’s Day” is about mother’s day, the mother of all holidays, everyone seems to be obsessed with mother’s day, and they talk about mother’s day because, mothers!

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The Lure (2015) [Fantasia International Film Festival 2016]

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lureSirens attracted by a musician playing on the beach seduce him and his band into taking them in.  With them, they become part of the entertainment at a night club while openly being sirens.  When one of the girls falls for an earthly boy, she wants to trade her tail for legs, no matter the cost.

Written by Robert Bolestro, The Lure follows two siren sisters, Golden and Silver, as they navigate life on dry land.  The story he builds here is interesting and entertaining with lead characters that attract attention and keep it.  The story takes some unexpected turns and some less so, but all of them are fun to watch (even the ones less fun for the characters).  The ending (no worries, no spoilers) is touching without being schmaltzy.  Directing this modern fairytale is Agnieszka Smoczynska who takes the script and turns it into a kind of film version of a Bjork video.  She creates a colorfully loud film in some scenes and a subdued one (color-wise) in others.

The way she shoots a domestic fight or an operation is fantastic and something this reviewer has not seen many times before (and I have seen thousands of films).  Many scenes are shot in unexpected and original ways, making the film very unique.  Adding to these directorial choices is the cinematography by Jakub Kijowski complementing the story and framing every image perfectly.  The way this film is shot brings out its peculiar, exciting scenes and contrasts them excellently with the darker ones.

Playing the sirens are Marta Mazureka as Silver (Srebrna) and Michalina Olszanska as Gold (Zwota), both giving great performances.  Mazurek shows her soft side, playing the more innocent siren who falls for a human.  The way she develops her character is sweet and makes the viewers care about her like a little sister.  Olszanska plays the other sister, more bold and mean almost.  She brings out the killer side of sirens with gleeful abandon making her performance mesmerizing.  One of the support characters stands out form the rest due to the actress’ performance, Wokalistka Krysia, the mom-type character who takes the girls in.

This performance by Kinga Preis is fantastic and layered.  She shows the character’s vulnerability and her caring side, than switches to the performer side when her character hits the stage and commands attention, almost stealing scenes from the girls at times.  A few of her performance pieces were reminiscent of LuLu.

Also more than worth the price of the ticket is the special effects for the sirens’ tails.  They look as real as can be, with fishy scales and some glistening.  They are beautiful and grab the attention.  There is also some juicy, gooey gore in the aforementioned surgery scene that looks good.  Unfortunately, the IMDB page for The Lure has no special effects or visual effects credits.

The Lure is a comedy/drama/musical/horror and as the sirens are singers being taken in by a band the music is highly important.  The numbers and performances on screen with the band and then with the girls are fun, flamboyant at times, and highly entertaining.  The pop songs are catchy and do not overstay their welcome while the choreography by Kaya Kolodziejczyk and Jaroslaw Staniek adds some sexiness to the girls’ already alluring performances.

The Lure is a great film, like a long form music video that works, reminiscent of Bjork and Mylene Farmer with a true Polish spirit.  It offers a lot and is fun while remaining touching.  It must be noted that it is Polish cinema’s first musical.  The whole crowd at Fantasia ate it up and come out talking about what they had just seen.

Fantasia International Film Festival runs from July 14th to August 3rd, 2016.

Sing Street (2016) [Blu-Ray/Digital]

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SingStreetVery few films can manage to understand how music is a very important aspect of life and can sometimes drive us and move us in to aspirations, inspiration, and love. The other great music film released in 2016 was “Everybody Wants Some!!” While Linklater explored how music is the soundtrack of our lives, John Carney’s masterpiece “Sing Street” is about how music can launch us in to realms we never knew were there. Music can open up doors and allow us to see things about ourselves that are incredible, and sometimes very ugly. A beautiful amalgam of “Almost Famous,” and “Say Anything,” with a hint of “Once,” John Carney is again at his top conveying a musical drama centered on more impoverished characters.

Carney sets his film in the middle of 1985 in Dublin where our trio of protagonists is obsessed with music. For them music seems to be the only salvation in the drudgery that is their everyday lives. Conor is a teen approaching high school who manages to ignore his parents’ dying marriage and the failure of role models like his big brother and father with music. When we first see him he’s playing his guitar in his room attempting to tune out his mother and father arguing with one another, and then uses their rage to fuel his creativity. He reaches an epiphany when his older brother Conor helps him realize that music is what’s keeping the world in motion, as music videos cover the general stratosphere of local television.

Conor decides to form a band of his own as a means of coping with going to a public school run by his local church. The seams almost come together at once for Conor who begins to come of age through musical expression, all the while falling head over heels for unique beauty and aspiring model Raphina. “Sing Street” brings us through the journey of Conor and his band, as they try to create their own style of music all the while steering through a school that openly promotes conformity and is run by a very abusive head priest. Carney taps in to the magic of the eighties beautifully, revealing how they influence Conor and his friends to concoct their own unique style of music, while doling out the hits from bands like Duran Duran and The Clash.

Everything from the performances, to the narrative, right down to the music is incredible, while Ferdia Walsh-Peelo is pitch perfect as the awkward Conor who begins to blossom the more he embraces his individuality. Despite blunt violent rebuttals from the school bully, and the school’s staff, Conor inspires others to flash their individuality proudly. This helps him cope with the startling realization that failure and lack of fulfillment surround him, and he has to find a way to escape before he’s eventually dragged down in to the slums. Along with Walsh-Peelo, Lucy Boynton is excellent as enigmatic Raphina who becomes Conor’s virtual muse, and Jack Reynor the older brother and mentor to Conor who represents everything he could be, for better and for worse.

John Carney just continues impressing with brilliant, beautiful tributes to the magic of music and how much is represents the language of life. “Sing Street” is an absolute masterpiece. Featured in the release from Anchor Bay is the Digital Copy for consumers. There’s “Making Sing Street” a five minute exploration of the film’s story, how John Carney used his own experiences in the film, and how the film conveys his own wish fulfillment. Writer/Director John Carney & Adam Levine Talk Sing Street is a three minute discussion about the movie mixing music and film together and the realistic depictions of the 80’s. Finally, there is the Cast Auditions, which feature a slew of audition reels from the cast. There’s an introduction from John Carney, and footage featuring Ferdia Walsh-Peelo, Lucy Boynton, Mark McKenna, Ben Carolan, and more.

Batman: The Killing Joke (2016)

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batman-killingjokeDC And Warner have at their hands one of the most iconic Batman narratives of all time, a narrative that asks the question if the Joker is truly someone too weak to endure a really awful life, or if he can submit someone to so much pain they can become exactly like him. All it takes is one bad day, he insists. “The Killing Joke” is surprisingly only seventy six minutes in length and still manages to feel way too long. For an iconic story with such a meaty premise, DC and Warner obviously have absolutely no idea how to put it to screen, and manage to botch this adaptation big time. With “The Killing Joke” we have to endure what is one long winded and dull prologue that leads literally to nowhere, just to allow the viewer to connect to heroine Batgirl.

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The Toxic Avenger (1984) [Fantasia International Film Festival 2016]

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toxicavengerThe character that helped build Troma in to the company we know and love it as today, is still a wonderful and fun anti-hero who finds himself dropped in to fate’s door after a mean prank pulled on him one day. In Tromaville New Jersey, Melvin is a young janitor for a local health club dominated by a pair of muscle bound bullies. By day, the bullies roam around the club taunting Melvin and hanging around with their busty girlfriends, but by night they’re vicious hit and run murderers that take joy in killing children and helpless animals. After Melvin accidentally runs afoul one of the bullies, his girlfriend invites Melvin to a private rendezvous on the condition he wear a pink tutu.

After realizing he’s been the victim of a prank, Melvin crashes through a window and falls in to a drum of toxic ooze. Disfigured and transformed in to the muscle bound Toxic Avenger, he roams the streets of Tromaville murdering criminals and rapists, and laying down the law with his handy mop. Despite the very low budget, “The Toxic Avenger” works as a simultaneous superhero action tale and monster movie. A lot like “Robocop,” Troma’s superhero gets the job done in the most violent manner possible.

Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman are never above being as splatterific as possible, showing off a ton of gruesome moments including Toxie taking off a thug’s nose, and tearing another’s arm clean off. Of course a lot of the movie doesn’t reserve the grue for the bad guys, eliciting genuine cringe inducing moment when Melvin is turned in to the Toxic Avenger. Even for an indie film in 1984, the sight of Melvin’s skin pulsing and bulging from the toxic waste is grotesque and you hate to see such a goofy protagonist be reduced to this monster. Toxie is kept in the dark for most of his introduction, as he begins feeling his way around his strengths and weaknesses, and realizing his mutation allows him a chance to fight evil.

He begins to take on the bigger nemesis when he realizes the local police force is run by a corrupt chief and his sergeant whose attitude is very Nazi like. Herz and Kaufman give Toxie some time to even fall in love with a beautiful blond girl, and do battle with the villains from the gym. “The Toxic Avenger” is still a fun and off the wall action horror movie with its own twist on the superhero sub-genre. Leave it to Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz to take typical superhero tropes and twist in to something wonderfully gruesome and absurd.

Howard the Duck (1986)

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howard-the-duckLong before Marvel Cinematic Universes and James Gunn, there was the bastard child of the Marvel Universe “Howard the Duck.” Adapted from the comics during the decade of “ET” and other assorted attempts at cuddly cinematic creatures, “Howard the Duck” takes a dive at some of the good old “ET” buck, while also presenting itself as the anti-“ET” of a sort. “Howard the Duck” is a childhood favorite of mine; it’s one I watched over and over whenever it aired in all of its edited form on network television. There was just something about “Howard the Duck” that I loved. Whether it was the surreal nature, the actual talking duck from another planet, or Lea Thompson being devilishly sexy once again in a fantasy film, I loved “Howard the Duck.”

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