Zombie Massacre (2013) [Blu-Ray]

zombie-massacreI’m still not entirely sure if “Zombie Massacre” knows how utterly idiotic it is, or if it’s in on the joke. In one instance, Uwe Boll appears on a television as the American president, German accent and all, discussing the zombie conspiracy and how he wants to get back to golfing and vacation. It’s a perplexing moment, because I’m not sure if the writers and Boll thought the scene would be a wonderful bit of biting social commentary, or if they were just pulling our leg through the cameo. Yes, we Americans love our golfing and vacationing. Good one, Boll! You’re such a witty satirist, you are.

Clandestine government, chemical accident, zombie apocalypse, characters with nothing to lose, you’ve seen it all before, and “Zombie Massacre” brings it in spades. The prologue is solid with the accident at a power plant affecting an entire town thanks to chemicals falling from the sky. Whatever comes in contact with bare skin turns its victims in to flesh eating deformed zombies. But that’s immediately contradicted when we later see zombies dressed in Hazmat suits, so that’s ultimately irrelevant to the narrative. The rest of “Zombie Massacre” is a half assed amalgam of “The Dirty Dozen” and “Mission Impossible,” with the government composed of mostly Eastern European men bringing together a team of rogue soldiers.

They all have their special talents, and oddly enough they, too, are Eastern European. They’re all vicious and cold soldiers, and surely enough we have to know that because they spend a lot of time talking. I mean, they spend obscene amounts of time standing around talking, and conversing about sex and life. The narrative introduces a silent female warrior who is a master with a samurai sword, not to mention a conflicted leader who is being allowed freedom for his crimes if he pulls off the operation. And yet the film is still so painfully boring to endure. Mid-way when it becomes apparent this team can barely pull off their mission as half of them die from a zombie attack, we’re introduced to a mysterious scientist who may have the answers to the infection (original!).

To make things even more grueling, there’s a red neck couple that joins the team to help fend off the zombies. I was never sure if I was supposed to find this twist ridiculous or offensive, but clearly the producers of the movie don’t have a flattering idea of America. For some contrived reason, the pair of redneck gun nuts are visiting Eastern Europe, get caught in the zombie apocalypse, and decide to help the team finish their job. “Zombie Massacre” is too tedious to be taken as an action movie, and much too boring to taken as a zombie film. The zombie rampaging only occurs in mild bursts, offering little to no gore, while the action is only sporadic. “Zombie Massacre” is a ridiculous and tepid attempt at a zombie film, one that really doesn’t re-invent the formula, nor does it seem to want to.

The Blu-Ray from E1 comes with a two minute Storyboard Prologue, the one minute storyboards presentation, and two trailers. There’s also “Superfreak,” a forty minute glossy making of featurette with typical production tidbits and interviews.

Now In Stores. Buy It Here.

Friday the 13th: Jason vs. Jason X

My original thought was how the hell they’d explain Jason Voorhees fighting uber-Jason from Jason X. And the writers do a piss poor job of it. Maybe there are two realities in the future in where the space scavengers form a time rift? Who knows? What we learn is that Uber-Jason is not really Jason, but the head of Jason with a body compiled of nanobots, and robotic parts. He is kind of a pseudo-Jason, to be exact.

We learn in the two part mini-series that he’s convinced he’s Jason and is trying to re-claim the psyche of the original Jason to complete his memory and continue his mission to murder everyone and anyone who steps foot in Camp Crystal Lake. So Jason belonged to Earth Prime, which is now a wasteland, and the space crew from “Jason X” froze and destroyed Jason from Earth 2. That Jason was re-invented as a science fiction monster known as Uber-Jason. They then went to Earth Prime to capture Jason again, and learn from his regenerative tissues. That failed. Duh.

And now Jason is thawed and lurking on the abandoned ship. We now have two Jasons. So does that mean we have two Freddy Kruegers and two Pinheads and two Leprechauns? In either case, taking off from the “Jason X” special, the characters from Earth Prime that survive their confrontation with Jason end up on the party ship where Uber-Jason is, and as one female pilot attempts to flee, she ends up caught in between the battle of Jason and Uber-Jason for complete dominance.

As with the usual slasher fare, there are no characters we can root for, but this comic takes it to a whole other level. There are literally no interesting heroes or heroines here, and it’s mainly just pages of slaughtering hapless victims. The fight between uber-Jason and Jason also doesn’t warrant much sense, especially considering the Jason the writers chose to go with, in the end. Uber-Jason kills Jason, and puts his brain in to his own head to garner the crown of Jason Prime. So then what? Is Uber-Jason the primary design now? It’s all so unsatisfying, in the end.

Jason X Special [Avatar Press]

When Uber-Jason crash landed in to Earth in the end of “Jason X,” it turned out to be another virtual reality. In an effort to grab a part of his regenerative tissue to learn about his healing properties, a young scientist is able to snare and trap him. Since that doesn’t last long, things get worse when Uber-Jason’s psyche re-invents the memories of his mother as a computer system who begins controlling Jason’s thoughts and commands.

Continue reading

The Best of the Worst – 12 Horror Movie Collection (DVD)

91B0ixunloL._SL1500_

From Mill Creek comes a dozen horror and fantasy films so bad you’ll want to eventually claw your eyes out. You could call this a compilation of films from the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” gallery. Except without the hilarious commentary to ease the pain. If you’re interested in owning these films sans the commentaries, it’s here for the taking!

Continue reading

Disturbing Behavior (1998)

DISTURBINGBEHAVIOURLC4

Director David Nutter and writer Scott Rosenberg take a page from Ira Levin’s “The Stepford Wives” to offer nineties kids a modern take on the author’s novel. Who am I kidding? The pair rip chapters from author Levin and basically just retro-fit it for a modern audience, when all is said and done. “Disturbing Behavior” is basically “The Stepford Wives” except replacing the commentary on conservative men adjusting to the rising tide of feminism, we’re given a town of parents so unwilling to work on their kids they’d much rather just operate on them to make them in to model citizens.

Continue reading

Ghostbusters (1984)

ghostbusters_movie

Director Ivan Reitman’s eighties classic has the advantage of being a film that can be appreciated in the context of its decade, and by literally anyone else. There’s something very relatable to the broader audiences who visit New York to follow four workaday ghost hunters battle a real foe in the form of an inter-dimensional demon. It also helps that “Ghostbusters” stars an ensemble of brilliant character actors, all of whom are perspective heavyweights in their own right.

The heroes of “Ghostbusters” aren’t flawless brooding men, but average Joes with paunches and flaws that make them absolutely relatable. It’s rare we can have a horror film with heroes who look like every day New Yorkers rather than the fit and virile young men that dominate the genre today. The four heroes in Reitman’s horror comedy are scientists and talk show guests who discuss paranormal beings and aren’t afraid to milk it for all the money they can get. But when an actual demonic entity is released within a lonely single woman’s house, the team of scientists becomes “The Ghostbusters.”

When all hell breaks loose, they go from local pariahs to immediate heroes and decide they must take it down the omnipotent monsters whether they like it or not. Sigourney Weaver (post-“Alien”) stars as Dana Barrett, a woman who literally discovers an alternate ghostly universe brewing in her refrigerator, and is possessed by the entity “Gozer the Gozerian.” The being is vicious and relentless. Through her, it plans to topple New York City within itself, and eventually dominate the world. Bill Murray is at his utter finest, channeling Bugs Bunny as the wise-cracking and hilarious Peter Venkman.

He’s the ham within the group who wants the fame and glory but won’t work for it. Harold Ramis is the leader who examines ghosts and their material form alongside friend Raymond Stantz who manages to help invent much of the ghostbuster technology including the “Phantom Zone”-esque vortex where all the captured ghosts are stored. He along with Dan Akroyd’s Ray Stantz perfect the team’s most popular devices, the proton guns which stun the ghosts, and their storage pod which can suck the ghosts for quick transfer. In spite of the great devices, the beauty lies in the mixture of horror and comedy in to a perfectly eccentric mold.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Ernie Hudson as Winston Zeddemore, probably the only religious member in a trio of pragmatists and scholars, who believes that the emergence of ghosts in New York is a sign of something very dire. While the group relish the increase in business, Wiston is hesitant to celebrate because he believes it to be an omen for a potential apocalypse. Hudson is an important member who also plays the role of the spectator for the audience, gazing at the awe inspiring but horrifying moments in the team’s battles, but standing alongside them courageously.

Director Reitman, along with crafty editing and top notch direction, is able to make magic off of the traditional green screen and puppetry effects. Case in point, the climax, which offers some of the best fantasy filmmaking ever, as the four finally face off against Gozer in the skyscraper, leading in to one the best filmed sequences of the genre. The writing, courtesy of Akroyd and Ramis really comes together with a perfect balance of terror and laughs that compile an exciting and fun genre hybrid rarely mastered.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

MST3K

I by no means would suggest “MST3K” the movie to anyone interested in getting in to the show. If you’ve never seen the cult series before, the movie surely will not win you over. When you take away the rabid fandom (I will watch the entire nine seasons in one sitting someday!), the movie itself is somewhat mediocre and disappointing. We deserved a fun, and epic movie, with some of the better jokes we’ve seen on the show. We even should have been allowed the privilege of a better movie. How fun would it have been to see the guys riff on “Plan Nine from Outer Space,” finally?

Continue reading