It should serve as no surprise to the people who know me that I think “Cabin Fever” is without a doubt one of the worst horror movies ever made and one of the worst movies ever made. Seeing it in theaters was definitely one of the most excruciating and disappointing experiences I’ve ever had. This led me to form a pure hatred for Eli Roth and everything he stands for. Not to mention I did not enjoy Ti West’s film debut “The Roost,” so the chances of a sequel to Roth’s piece of junk entertaining me was utterly slim.
Tag Archives: Sequel
Cinema Crazed's Worst 10 of 2009
10. Pontypool
I’m one of those people who very much looked forward to “Pontypool,” and am not ashamed to admit that I was utterly disappointed with this production. It was dull as day old bread, lacked in sheer suspense and tension and sadly didn’t quite creep me out as much as its double “Dead Air” did. Not quite a zombie movie, people like to brand it as such and there aren’t even many zombies that pop up. What we get in the end is a practice in a cinematic dry humping that promises frights and never actually delivers. Seek out “Dead Air” for a nearly identical premise that works much better.
Fast & Furious (2009)
I want to live in the world that Justin Lin has created in the fourth film of the “Fast and the Furious” franchise. In it people can smash through windows like they’re cutting through paper, bullets don’t necessarily harm them, racers can speed through city streets without being pulled over or tracked by traffic cops, and they’re able to fly in stealth mode evading authorities in the loudest most conspicuous cars imaginable. That’s the world I want to be in. Probably the biggest turd of the series, “Fast and Furious” presents us with four actors with no other option than to sleepwalk through a hundred minutes of explosions, car chases and the prerequisite bad acting. Particularly from Rodriguez and Diesel whose chemistry is still there and seems to amplify their horrible acting abilities.
H2: Halloween II (2009)
In Rob Zombie’s first bastardization of the Halloween franchise, we’re told that Michael is so intent on going home that he’s willing to do anything to get there and is perfectly willing to remain unresponsive to psychological help. We’re also told that he’s completely emotionless and cold to just about everyone. And yet here we are with “Halloween II” where we get to see how cute and affectionate he is with his mother. This is further proof that Zombie just doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing ninety percent of the time. How can we ever expect to see a good movie from this man again if the story he’s telling is inconsistent? Seeming to have no other option these days, Zombie continues chucking rotten eggs our way from the contrived “Halloween II” (I refuse to call it H2) right down to the awful animated mess that was “El Superbeasto.”
Terminator: Salvation (2009)
Trust me, if I were asked to watch McG’s treatment of the Terminator franchise I wouldn’t turn it down. Is it one of the best the franchise has ever offered? No. In fact it’s one of the lamest simply because it takes every advantage to flex its PG-13 rating and make sure that everyone but the humans suffer a wicked death. In this version every human is given a bloodless death by robots we’re assured are vicious, merciless, and willing to make their victims suffer a long and painful death. All ounce of suffering we’ve seen at the hands of the machines in previous films is bypassed in exchange for interchangeable special effects and ho-hum action sequences.
Boogeyman 2 (2007)
If you recall, the original “Boogeyman” was a steaming pile that seemed to put up so much effort for an end product that would ultimately mean nothing, and this is because of the phenomenally bad writing that took the interesting concept and went nowhere fast. What “Boogeyman 2” does is take the typical route and makes all the obvious moves: It becomes a slasher movie, one that basically follows in continuity with the first without reminding us too much how much it stunk. Call me an apologist, proclaim my taste as being awful, but “Boogeyman 2” isn’t so bad. Sure it’s far from perfect but what it lacks in originality and scares it makes up for in creativity and hitting most of the right chords as a slasher film… and yes some of the performances manage to be pretty decent in the meanwhile.
The Final Destination (2009)
Yes, make no denial about it, this is yet another sequel to the franchise that’s been nothing but mediocre and has covered that fact by splashing the screen with blood. Of course it’s pretty clear by now that “The Final Destination” (the fourth in the series) is not even meant to be considered a serious horror movie but instead a carnival ride that allows for gruesome death after gruesome death on screen all for kids who once again have out witted death accidentally and are now paying the price in spades. Yes Death is an evil motherfucker and yet again teenagers fall by excruciating death after excruciating death. In 3D!