I tried. Lord help me, how I tried. But there are just some people almost incapable of creating quality. Brett Ratner, Uwe Boll, Britney Spears, and Asylum. To their credit “The 9/11 Commission Report” seems like an honest attempt by the company to advance into a more sophisticated state of storytelling and movie making. But for all intents and purposes, it comes off as another truly terrible film in their gallery. At the opening, the disclaimer notifies audiences that all the names have been changed, but the names of the terrorists remain relatively the same.
Category Archives: Movie Reviews
Zathura: A Space Adventure (2005)
I was not a fan of “Jumanji.” Beyond the great special effects it was a rather boring, and confusing lollapalooza with sub-par performances, and a cheesy ending. So when the unofficial sequel “Zathura” arrived in theaters, suffice it to say my skepticism was tantamount to my skepticism of “Sharkboy and Lavagirl.” It looked well intentioned but basically looked like an empty spectacle. In a world filled with “Hoot,” “Sharkboy and Lavagirl,” and “Sleepover” which are the considered the crème de la crème of children’s fare, “Zathura” is a welcome change of pace. It doesn’t talk down its audience, it doesn’t paint clichés, it doesn’t insult our intelligence, and its entertainment is enjoyable for both adults and children. That’s rare.
A Sound of Thunder (2005)
At the start of “A Sound of Thunder,” One was that the quality was on par to an average stinker on the Sci Fi Channel, and the other was that there couldn’t possibly be that much truth to the suckiness of said film. At the start, our heroes are on prehistoric terrain and in enters a dinosaur; a dinosaur that is really intent on eating them. The whole time I watch this, I’m thinking to myself “This couldn’t be the special effects, they must be in a simulator” which is usually the case in films in which we think one scenario is actual distress, and it ends up being a complete red herring.
Rest Stop (2006)
A cell phone that isn’t working, a gritty rest stop, no phone in sight, a bitchy wife, an inept husband, a mysterious man behind the wheel of a car, and a lot of screaming. Well, now that we have all the clichés in order, let’s make a movie! “Rest Stop” wants to be “Wolf Creek,” it wishes it were “The Hitcher,” it vies to be “Duel,” but in reality it’s not even as good as “Joy Ride.” If this is what we’re getting from direct to video, I’m shocked that I’m still a horror fan. “Rest Stop” is a sloppy hackneyed piece of dribble that derives much of its plot from different survivalist horror films only to be called a survivalist horror film.
A Day Without a Mexican (2004)
What if American’s Mexicans suddenly disappeared one day? Well, in effect, what if America’s “laziest race” disappeared one day? Well, then we’d have a nation of lazy Caucasians, wouldn’t we? And we’d have an actual group of people, whom are Americans who will not work. And we’d be at war with one another. And we’d be calling each other sub-human, wouldn’t we? “A Day without a Mexican” is not just a satire on the Mexican sub-culture, but an indictment on America on the Hispanic sub-culture. But I’m trying to figure out what the hell was going through the writers minds when making this.
Pervert! (2005)
Yudis’ film is fun. More fun than it has the right to be. And I suggest “Pervert!” for fans of Troma, horror, comedy, Sam Raimi, porn, Mary Carey, Russ Meyer, big breasts, sex, women, John Waters, big breasts, hot women, big breasts, good taste, and yes, big breasts. Did I enjoy “Pervert!” only on those terms? Yes. And what’s wrong with that? “Pervert!” is a film where you shut off the big brain, and let the little brain do its magic, and I can guarantee any red blooded hetero male, and or lesbian, will utterly enjoy the romps. Not to mention the shameless flaunting of sexy as hell Mary Carey as a trophy wife, Juliette Clarke as a very hot nurse, and Sally Jean as a Cuban antagonist with a wide smile, all of whom suffer the fate of the mysterious monster roaming the desert in search of… well, you’ll discover it for yourself.
The Notorious Bettie Page (2005)
It’s as if someone took a picture of my fantasies and plastered them on-screen. Bettie Page in the form of Gretchen Mol. It’s almost like a gift to me, and yes I’m vain enough to think this film is a gift to me. It features two of the most beautiful women who ever lived combined, along with one hell of a fantastic movie to boot. I was glad this wasn’t just a case of watching Mol as Page for ninety minutes. There’s a story, there’s great direction, and there’s actual commentary. “The Notorious Bettie Page” is yet another ninety minute bit of speculation on Ms. Page’s life, because it’s a known fact, no one is very sure of what really happened in her life from a child to her disappearance from society’s mainstream. But then again, Harron’s film is not an attempt to delve into the secrets and demons of Paige, too much. It’s instead a sweet, risqué, and entertaining celebration of the woman known as Bettie Page. Page, as you should know by now, is quite possibly one of the most revered pin-up models of all time.