Unpleasant, unfunny and uninspiring, “Hop” is so much more awful than I’d originally predicted primarily because it took my rock bottom expectations and dashed them by delivering an even worse movie than my optimism would have allowed. I had hopes for “Hop” originally, and I’d opted on giving it a fair shake, but found myself genuinely annoyed by every inch of this disingenuous holiday commercial that is about as much about the holiday as Garry Marshall’s “Valentine’s Day” was in 2010. “Hop” is such a corporate tool that it feels like upon its original conception it was marketed to Hallmark and American Greetings for the sole sake of EB.
The Breakfast Club XXX (2009)
Currently the two best porn spoof directors working today is Axel Braun, who is the Hitchcock of the finely timed comic jab set to the fuck fest, and of course Lee Roy Myers who not only directed some fine porn spoofs like “The Big Lebowski XXX,” but also managed to take one of the finest teen dramas of all time and turned it in to a damn fine porn spoof of its very own entitled “The Breakfast Club XXX.” Not only is this a film that ponders on the bigger questions behind the original 1980’s masterpiece, but also manages to delve in to the finer aspects of said questions. For example, what happened when Estevez saw the Goth chick now an average beauty queen? Why, he took her in to the back and fucked the ever loving god out of her, that’s what he did.
Moaning for Monstervision
I mean with respect to Gore De Vol and Penny Dreadful, without a doubt my favorite horror host of all time is Joe Bob Brigs, a surly and veritably undeniable force of nature. He was one who didn’t need gimmicks and or a costume to please his audience. Joe Bob Briggs presented the new wave of horror hosting. To where fun individuals like Dreadful and De Vol dressed up and engaged in props and plays for their audience, Briggs always seemed very aware of his mortality.
Coffee Break Screenwriter: Writing Your Script Ten Minutes At A Time (Paperback)
Pilar Alessandra is thinking about the busy writer, the writer who doesn’t have time to sit down every day and write their novels or screenplays. Some of us actually have a day job to pull, but also have the aspirations to write a screenplay. Too often have I’ve heard someone who aspired to create their own screenplay but just didn’t have the time or drive. Alessandra takes that aspiration and fuels it with the ability to write a screenplay in ten minutes at a time. Not only that, but she also teaches you to micro-manage your tasks and create small windows of opportunities to write your scripts within the ten minutes that can guarantee you a perfect script you always envisioned from the get go.
Where to go from there that’s up to you, but getting the script done is a step forward. Picking up the book will cost you ten minutes and fifteen bucks, matched with the ten minutes reading each chapter, along with the ten minutes writing the script after reading the chapters for ten minutes and you have a mathematical formula I couldn’t possibly figure out but is nonetheless an approach toward accomplishing the goal to get a script done.
Transporter 3 (2008)
Frank Martin is back and is in deep doo doo for the third go around in the “Transporter” series. Now retired and taking a long needed vacation, fate comes crashing down his doors as he’s confronted with a colleague who is killed in the middle of what was supposed to be his job all along. When Frank is taken off guard he awakens to learn that he and his car can not be separated or else he and the enigmatic women in his co-pilot seat will go up in a burst of flames. “The Transporter” series has been one of my favorite knock offs of “The Driver” this millennium and Jason Statham is a wonderful successor to Ryan O’Neal as this man with tones of gray allowed more breathing room this go around.
S.W.A.T.: Firefight (2011)
By now it’s a pretty quick assumption that we may never get a truly great movie about “SWAT” the television show. What was a gritty violent and often disturbing show about life on the business as a SWAT officer became a pretty high budget and meek blockbuster vehicle for a cast of B listers who were more GI Joe and less “Heat.” Now with “Firefight” the studio behind this star-less vehicle ups the ante by pretty much assuring we’ll never see a reboot ever again with a competent cast. Which is not to say “Firefight” is a bad movie. It’s not. In fact it’s a very well made and steadily paced “sequel” that takes every precaution to do what it can with the cast of D listers who take up spots that once belonged to up and comers like Colin Farrell and Jeremy Renner and veterans like Samuel L. Jackson.
Ninja Assassin (2009)
While I appreciate the inherent ambition behind the script written by Matthew Sand and J. Michael Straczynski, any and all potential for absolute entertainment is wasted in the first fifteen minutes. Folks looking for a splatterific ninja quest will find the prologue to be one of the most grotesque and twisted openings to a ninja film. And then it goes downhill from there. It seems like the writers just aren’t happy enough with exploring the quest of ninja Raizo, but they instead want to focus on back story after meaningless back story.