Art by Trevor Gentry Birnbaum
It Gets… A Little Confusing
The 9/11 Commission Report (2006)
I tried. Lord help me, how I tried. But there are just some people almost incapable of creating quality. Brett Ratner, Uwe Boll, Britney Spears, and Asylum. To their credit “The 9/11 Commission Report” seems like an honest attempt by the company to advance into a more sophisticated state of storytelling and movie making. But for all intents and purposes, it comes off as another truly terrible film in their gallery. At the opening, the disclaimer notifies audiences that all the names have been changed, but the names of the terrorists remain relatively the same.
Zathura: A Space Adventure (2005)
I was not a fan of “Jumanji.” Beyond the great special effects it was a rather boring, and confusing lollapalooza with sub-par performances, and a cheesy ending. So when the unofficial sequel “Zathura” arrived in theaters, suffice it to say my skepticism was tantamount to my skepticism of “Sharkboy and Lavagirl.” It looked well intentioned but basically looked like an empty spectacle. In a world filled with “Hoot,” “Sharkboy and Lavagirl,” and “Sleepover” which are the considered the crème de la crème of children’s fare, “Zathura” is a welcome change of pace. It doesn’t talk down its audience, it doesn’t paint clichés, it doesn’t insult our intelligence, and its entertainment is enjoyable for both adults and children. That’s rare.
Engineering an Empire: Egypt
Not being a history, engineering, or architecture buff, I didn’t see what I could take away or find of interest in the pilot episode of “Engineering an Empire.” Spinning off from the special “Engineering an Empire” in Rome, the series will now chronicle historical accounts of architectural landmarks from all civilizations and discuss monuments, buildings, fortresses, and dams.
Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film (2006)
For me, “Going to Pieces” was like a wet dream, it was a pastiche of all the aspect of horror that I love and hate, and for ninety minutes, I was enjoying the hell out of myself. It’s true, the horror genre, and horror fans get a bad rap, and both are often demonized by the religious, the media, and any self-righteous parent with a desire to be a celebrity, and “Going to Pieces,” tackles those aspects of the genre along with paying homage to the sub-genre I hold dear to my ripped heart.
A Sound of Thunder (2005)
At the start of “A Sound of Thunder,” One was that the quality was on par to an average stinker on the Sci Fi Channel, and the other was that there couldn’t possibly be that much truth to the suckiness of said film. At the start, our heroes are on prehistoric terrain and in enters a dinosaur; a dinosaur that is really intent on eating them. The whole time I watch this, I’m thinking to myself “This couldn’t be the special effects, they must be in a simulator” which is usually the case in films in which we think one scenario is actual distress, and it ends up being a complete red herring.
Rest Stop (2006)
A cell phone that isn’t working, a gritty rest stop, no phone in sight, a bitchy wife, an inept husband, a mysterious man behind the wheel of a car, and a lot of screaming. Well, now that we have all the clichés in order, let’s make a movie! “Rest Stop” wants to be “Wolf Creek,” it wishes it were “The Hitcher,” it vies to be “Duel,” but in reality it’s not even as good as “Joy Ride.” If this is what we’re getting from direct to video, I’m shocked that I’m still a horror fan. “Rest Stop” is a sloppy hackneyed piece of dribble that derives much of its plot from different survivalist horror films only to be called a survivalist horror film.