Mrs. Johnson: Nice erection, Todd.
Todd: Thanks. You too!
Sitting down to watch “Bikini Bloodbath Carwash” made me grin from ear to ear in only the first five minutes as it was clear the directing team of Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour knew what they were doing. There’s no backstory, no complexity, no undertones, it’s just all out ridiculous horror fun, and I loved it. I always say that I don’t mind stupidity as long as there’s some substance behind it, and the sequel to “Bikini Bloodbath” starts out on all the right notes. Two girls we’ve never met get up from bed, dance around in their underwear, one of whom takes a while to put on her top, they dance and jiggle, the directors put up the title in a very creative manner and we see “Written and Directed by Who the Fuck Cares.” I mean… that’s great. It just is. That’s stupid, but it’s stupid as a fox.
It should have been a no-brainer. A Greek myth about a hero being called upon to battle the gods while also fighting with various creatures is a concept begging to be made in to an amazing movie. “Clash of the Titans” is the Harryhausen movie that fans continue to love but also secretly wanted to see remade… only for a curiosity. We wanted to know what it would look like, but we didn’t want it to happen. And then we were given the bright idea by Warner to not only remake the Harryhausen opus but turn it in to a franchise.
See, I understand what the purpose of this prequel is. Before now, Cassie Hack’s origin has only been told in bits and pieces here and there. We know about her mom, we know she became a slasher hunter, and we know somewhere down the road she eventually met Vlad and they paired up to fight evil.
Nimrod Antal’s “Predators” is probably one of the most simplistic action movies of 2010. Probably of all time. It’s a movie so void of any thinking or brains behind it you don’t have to do much except sit back and let the series of events unfold before your eyes and just watch people walk around and shooting things in a wooded locale. “Predators” offers no reason for knowing about the films before it, about the mythology, or about the overall concept. You just have to know that a bunch of criminals and soldiers have been dropped on to a jungle, are being hunted by something, and have to survive. That’s more a paper thin concept than an actual plot and nothing beyond that happens. Antal’s film would love to liken itself after the original “Predator” but in reality it’s just another retelling of “The Most Dangerous Game,” and doesn’t demand much from its audience.