So, you’re likely asking, why in the name of tap-dancing Jesus would anyone even think about creating a sequel to one of the worst movies ever made. Well–your guess is really as good as mine. Make an assortment of guesses. Because I have no flipping clue. Anyway, literally about fifteen minutes in to my notes, I’m watching, and hoping, and then I see the zombies whom have green teeth, and bad white skin. Their teeth is neon green by the way, and their skin makes them look like mimes. And then I put one star without a doubt next to the title. Sometimes I’ll end up changing it, but usually the grade I give a film stays permanent and I didn’t have to worry about changing it during the course of this wretched sequel. It’s a bad movie. Really bad. Not Uwe Boll bad, that I can attest to, but it’s bad. And there’s still no fucking house.
Tag Archives: Action
Underworld: Evolution (2006)
In spite of its many, many failings and flaws, I liked “Underworld”. It’s no masterpiece, it’s not even that good, yet it’s still a pretty fun movie that’s mindless without being dumb. I like to describe it as “Matrix” meets horror, meets Abercrombie and Fitch. Sadly, the lore presented in the (now) “Underworld” franchise is still skewed and poor, but it sure is pretty fun. “Underworld: Evolution” is, I’m ashamed to admit, a step up from the previous installment. And it’s much edgier than the first film with more blood, and gore, and some very sexually suggestive material.
Ultimate Avengers: The Movie (2006)
Now that Lion’s Gate has teamed with Marvel Comics, we’re going to begin to see a lot of straight to video animated features that take off from Marvel’s flagship characters, and the first one out of the ballpark is “Ultimate Avengers”. Now, I never had the chance to read the “Ultimate Avengers” series, but I hear it’s pretty damn good. But from what I’ve seen in magazines from the previews, “Ultimate Avengers” the comic is transferred from page to screen. And what sets this apart from the average Marvel mythos is that it’s basically a new twist on the lore. Nick Fury is black, Hulk is more of an antagonist, Thor is a vain warrior, Cap is discovered by S.H.I.E.L.D. and not Namor, and we’re presented with a more jaded misanthropic scope of superheroes ala the usual zeitgeist of the modern age, though really it’s just the xenophobia that’s become representative of Marvel as a whole. That’s not an insult, but it’s not a compliment either.
The Cave (2005)
Apparently, the hype from “The Cave” and the proceeding negative reviews for it really were up to par with what the film had to offer. As always, in spite of bad reviews, I put up hope that “The Cave” would turn out to be a fun, exciting, tense film, but I was proven wrong again. And let me tell you, after “The Descent” this is nothing but child’s play, a recreation in spite of coming out almost at the same time as Marshall’s horror fest.
H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds (2005)
No, this is not that movie with that religious maniac, the screaming girl, and the psychotic liberal they meet in a basement, this is that other more low-budget remake of the H.G. Wells’ classic, and much like everything these days, these brilliant authors are added to the front of these titles to instill a sense of credibility. Little do these studios know that these authors would consider these films abominations, because they are. Like every bad movie, I watch with the hope–and some would say naiveté–that these movies won’t be as bad as I’ve heard, yet I’m always wrong. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel to pick flaws from a film that has a relatively low budget, but could they have squeezed out a logical, coherent story in the process? Even Pal was able to give a great story along with–what is considered today–ancient special effects.
Laputa: Castle in the Sky (Tenkû no shiro Rapyuta) (1986)
I think one of the reasons why I respond so well to a Hayao Miyazaki film is that he aspires purposely to create a simple work of art, but his simplicity becomes a truly grand piece of work whether he’s aware of it or not, he makes films that resemble the golden serials of the film age, what George Lucas should have done with his “Star Wars” prequels. He relishes in opportunities to be simple providing simple plots. A humble hero, a wondrous heroine, a main villain, pirates, the amazing monster/robot, and the open sky.
Alexander (2004)
After the failure of “Alexander”, Stone, always the conspiracy buff, used this excuse: “Alexander failed because of conservative opposition to homosexuality.” Which answers the question, what does a conspiracy theorist do when they fail? Make their failure in to a conspiracy. “No, it wasn’t my fault, it’s the government!” But if a heavily homosexually driven film like “Brokeback Mountain” could succeed why couldn’t a film with mild homosexual themes make it? Answer that one, Stoner. Did you ever think that perhaps your movie really sucks? Because it does. Never since “Caligula” have I seen such a cheesy, ridiculous, and utterly boring “epic” that fails to be as good as it tries to be. From Anthony Hopkins typical dramatic narration spelling the film out for us, right down to the sickeningly grandiose style it’s unashamed to flaunt, “Alexander” is a bad movie that will show all that the gladiator fad is over and done with. So quit it, y’hear?