Masters of Horror: Or How I F*cked Up a Golden Opportunity

I don’t need a horror channel to remind me I’m a horror fan. I don’t need a channel to play the same old bullshit movies I have in my collection, and then turn into a quasi-horror channel months later playing music videos, and wrestling programs. A channel doesn’t make me an automatic solid horror fan.

I’ve been one since I was four.

But I wanted a great horror show god damn it. The show I wanted to be great, ended up being one giant dry hump sans the stained pants, while the show I expected to flop, ended up being damn good. I speak of “Dexter” in that last comparison.

“Masters of Horror” is a lot like that really hot chick you met in high school. She was good looking without or without makeup, presented many possibilities, you imagined every such situation, and position, and when you and she were finally alone, she really wasn’t much to talk about. And then you’re left with nothing but disappointment.

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Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990)

TALES-FROM-THE-DARKSIDESo “Tales from the Darkside: The Movie” is based on the television show, but in the movie, “Tales from the Darkside” is actually a book filled with various horror stories. Does that mean the television show is actually a book? Is the narrator at the opening credits the one telling us the various stories? How did the witch in the film get a hold of the book? And is the witch Debbie Harry plays in the film the same one she plays in the episode “The Moth” where she portrays a devious teenage witch outwitting her mother? It’s never quite indicated. At all. I assume the film is attempting to be meta with the wrap around story, but it never quite works. However we do get a slight instance of the theme song to the television series playing during a scene in the opening.

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Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985)

In spite of many other genre fans and movie critics objections, I’ve always found “Cat’s Eye” to be something of a near flawless horror fantasy thriller. It’s one of the finest anthology films I’ve ever seen. And sadly enough it’s the anthology film I wish “Twilight Zone: The Movie” could have been. Hell, “Tales from the Darkside: The Movie” is the anthology movie I wish “Twilight Zone: The Movie” could have been, and I’m not even that much of a fan. But I digress. “Cat’s Eye” is a near perfect horror anthology film that adapts various Stephen King short stories with the wrap around of a seemingly sentient stray Tabby cat who incidentally always seems to find himself playing an important role in every one of the segments of the film. Whenever a segment begins he’s just there, but oddly enough he’s also a character on a mission of his own and we want to know what he’s up to.

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Creepshow 2 (1987)

creepshow-pt2

What with the resurgence of the anthology sub-genre in the eighties, and the release of the hit horror film “Creepshow” that managed to be a near flawless masterpiece, a sequel was not only inevitable, but a no brainer. Director Michael Gornick’s follow-up to “Creepshow” is admittedly a much more low tech and less enthusiastic outing for the series, but damn it, it sure is a lot of fun. Granted the film falls short of being excellent, but as a follow-up to the riveting and entertaining original, it’s a very strong and occasionally creepy sequel. It’s been one of my favorites since I was a kid, and though it’s shown its wear since 1987, it’s still a fun horror film. Lacking the star power and novelty of the first film, “Creepshow 2” slims down the story count and relies more on a bleak atmosphere.

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Creepshow (1982)

CreepShow

George A. Romero’s “Creepshow” is almost a spit in the face of everyone who decried comic books a sheer stain on humanity and the youth, blaming the colored pages for the evaporation of morality in the fifties and sixties. “Creepshow” is an absolute celebration of horror comics and a love letter to the EC generation who had their stories robbed by hack psychologists who blamed comic books for homosexuality, crime, murder, and drug use. “Creepshow” is a joint effort from many people just filled with talent that simply can not hold this entire film at times. An absolute orgy of laughs, scares, and thrills, “Creepshow” is one of the finest, if not the finest anthology horror film second only to “Black Sabbath.”

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Remembering "The Willies"

willies-coverAs a child “The Willies” was pretty much as horrifying as it got. As an eleven year old it was a disgusting, creepy, and horrifying little anthology horror film with some gruesome special effects. And it was also a childhood favorite, a film I saw over and over further feeding my lust for horror. And almost twenty five years later… it still has great sentimental value, it’s still a movie I’ll always appreciate as a favorite of a simpler time but… yeah, it pretty much sucks. Badly. It’s about as stripped down and derivative as you can get with a plot that really just relies on chestnuts of horror to do the work for writers that can’t really be creative.

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Chillerama (2011)

“Chillerama” feels like yet another production from the indie underground circuit that looks like it was so much fun to make. Everyone had a lot of laughs, the scripts were probably riots, and the directors joint efforts probably elicited a lot of pats on the backs. But when you see “Chillerama” you begin to realize that it was much more fun to make than it is to watch. I like Adam Green, I enjoy throwbacks to drive-in cinema, and I adore anthologies, but “Chillerama” is a swing and total miss for the directors whose entire project is summed up by bad sex jokes, flat dialogue, and poor effects.

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