Tag Archives: B

Blue Valentine (2010)

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Director Derek Cianfrance ‘s romance works on the premise that subtlety is everything. That quirks and facial expression can do more than actual dialogue can achieve. But it also helps if you tell a story that’s actually involving and engrossing. “Blue Valentine” is a film we’ve seen a thousand times around Oscar season. It’s the experimental drama about a couple in turmoil struggling to regain that spark. We saw it with “American Beauty” to some regard, we saw it with “Revolutionary Road,” we saw it with “The Good Girl” and lord almighty we’re seeing it again. This time, “Blue Valentine” is about the choices in our lives and how sometimes we can make the wrong ones and not have any idea how to get out of the perpetual rut we’re in. The characters of Dean and Cindy are a couple whose strengths are based around habit and routine.

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Bonnie and Clyde vs. Dracula (2011)

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bcvdAh that Dracula sure does get around, doesn’t he? He’s met more historical figures than Forrest Gump. In the grand tradition of “Billy the Kid vs. Dracula,” “Emmanuelle vs. Dracula” and “Batman vs. Dracula” comes the lost adventure of two of the world’s most notorious criminals and their confrontation with the lord of darkness. Timothy Friend’s horror crime thriller is in the hokey tradition of absurd battles and there hasn’t been one more absurd since Bonnie and Clyde’s meeting with the undead. Tiffany Shepis stars as Bonnie along Trent Haaga as Clyde in their efforts to thwart off rival criminals and the lawman as they travel across the country. Now down on their luck after a series of unfortunate events leave them penniless and without a car, they meet up with an old friend promising them a big job robbing a local bank.

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Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (2005)

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bgodpI have a thing for Misty Mundae. She has a cute perky little body and a ghetto booty you can just sleep in for days. She has a gorgeous face that doesn’t require too much make-up and she can pull off ridiculous comedy. And if you saw her in “Masters of Horror,” she’s not a bad actress. But most of her career has been spent making some of the worst movies of all time, the lowest common denominator entertainment titles involving zombies, and monsters, all of which are so bottom of the barrel, they’re practically non-existent. “Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet” is one of those awful movies. Clocking in at barely an hour, this horrible softcore porn is basically an excuse to show display mild girl on girl.

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Bitter Feast (2010) (DVD)

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bitterfeastIt’s not uncommon for artists of any kind to go off the rails or be driven mad by critics. Vincent Gallo is famous for lashing out at Roger Ebert for his bashing of “Brown Bunny,” producers like Avi Arad and studios are known for bashing critics that bash their work, and in 2010, Kevin Smith just sank in to the deep end after the critical destruction of “Cop Out.” But while “Bitter Feast” is a commentary on pushing people too far, it’s also a look at what happens when two bitter absolutely pretentious men meet and decide they’re going to make each other suffer for their lives’ miseries. While many will be quick to deem this as a satire of the critical world, director Joe Maggio actually spoofs both sides of the field, the artist and the critic. Or in this film, the pompous pretentious artist who takes his work much too seriously, and the critic who refuses to be honest and or kind and just wants to purposely play a heel for the sake of publicity and readership.

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Batman XXX: A Porn Parody (2010)

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batman_xxxI mean it when I say that “Batman XXX: A Porn Parody” is without a doubt one of the best pornos I’ve ever seen. And it’s also the best porn parody to date. The Adam West Batman show was always a series mired in strong overtones of sexuality. Even when appealing to children primarily, the show had a strong sexual element due to its creation which set it down in the free spirit, free loving decade of the sixties where sexual experimentation ran rampant, and the go go era bred a new awakening, experimentation and dabbling in areas of our sexuality we once deemed taboo. There was very little separation from “Batman” with “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls” aside from the rampant drug use and boozing. Tonally, they were so incredibly similar with kinetic energy and dizzying color schemes.

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Black Christmas (1974)

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We never did find out who Billy was, did we? Was he a disgruntled ex-boyfriend? A humiliated crush? Or perhaps just a lunatic who drifted into the sorority house one night before Christmas? It’s always more frightening to be left with questions, isn’t it? Why do killers always have to have a motive or connection to the characters? Do real murderers always make sense? From the first frame director Bob Clark leads us through a labyrinth of absolute red herrings advising us to pay attention, notice the clues, and really focus in on where he’s going with “Black Christmas.” For years I heard many people trying to figure out who Billy is and what his intent was toward this group of young women in their sorority house one Christmas. How is able to get in and out without notice? How is he able to sneak back and forth in this house without being seen?

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Bikini Bloodbath Christmas (2009)

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jiubh“Gina Davis… like the wind… never forgets.”

2010 was a really rough year for yours truly so imagine my happiness when I learned that director Thomas Edward Seymour and Jon Gorman were ending the worst Christmas of my life with a Bikini Bloodbath. Finishing off their trilogy of trashy slashers, “Bikini Bloodbath Christmas” takes all of the good things about Christmas, destroys it, and instead trades it for a lot of booze, sexy women, bikinis, and a really evil chef Death who likes to kill people with a claw hammer… and stuff. Why is he killing people still? Who knows? But there are big boobs, sexy women and Debbie Rochon returns yet again.

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