What do you do with a movie about skateboarders that hasn’t already been done? Fill it with the same lazy clichés we’ve seen thousands of times in worse comedy films. I mean has there ever been a good movie about skateboarding aside from “Dogtown and Z-Boys”? I doubt it. There are three elements/concepts films have revolved around and relied on for a plot in the past that have never worked regardless of how exciting they try to make it, and regardless of how good a director is: skiing (cannot be done), skateboarding, and computers or typing on a computer (FYI “Wargames” invented the sub-genre).
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Gigli (2003)
Everything you’ve heard about “Gigli” is true, and then some. Much publicized and talked about, “Gigli” was said to be a blockbuster potential with a very high budget and the top notch cast, well, top notch depending on how you look at it. A mildly talented actor and mildly talented actress teamed together to form this piece of cinematic fecal matter. Larry Gigli is a brainless stooge for the local mobster who love what he does. It’s not pronounce giggly, no, not Hilie, no, but Geely, which, Gigli so eloquently states, “rhymes with really” which caused me to shout “So?!” It rhymes with really? What sense does that make? I guess it establishes the amount of brains he has, but the terrible screenwriters spawned that little tidbit in an attempt to garner a memorable movie quote and really was the only word they could think of.
Gigli, played by Ben Affleck whose Jersey accent mysteriously appears and disappears is ordered to take care of a mentally disabled guy named Brian. After the two exchange introductions in an obnoxious scene derived from “Rain Man”, Gigli takes Brian to his home and has to keep him there. There, the two’s relationship is hardly friendly and in walks Ricki ala Jennifer Lopez whose Jersey accent also appears and disappears and sometimes is exaggerated. Her introduction is an attempt at sexual but reveals she’s there to help him look after Brian. As would be expected, the two don’t take a liking to one another, but soon learn to like each other, as they do Brian. Now Brian would be a good character had he not been so obnoxious and badly performed by Justin Bartha who makes Brian a shrill and rather annoying character with no redeeming qualities.
With a really bad imitation of Dustin Hoffman from “Rain Man” he walks around bobbing his head and spouting little sentences while occasionally breaking into song singing old school rap music to himself, a plot device which was intended to be charming, but just adds to the obnoxious appeal to this character. However, the two equally obnoxious henchmen begin to admire one another and Brian but soon learn their liking for one another is getting in the way of the job, oh and did I mention Lopez’ character is gay? Anyway, the two engage in a lot of forced, trite, and overly analytical dialogue with one another as an attempt to get the audience either dazzled or confused within their nonsensical rants to one another.
Had this been a small budget film it would have had an excuse for its quality, but this is so bad but it looks so custom-tailored to be good, that its self-expectation becomes its downfall. Lopez seems to go all out with her dialogue which she spouts, but its obvious by her expressions that even she doesn’t know what in heaven’s name she’s talking about, so the delivery of her “intelligent” monologues and seven syllable words are very forced, and very trite. There’s even one very annoying and drawn out monologue in which the two discuss the intricacies of the female and male genitalia while Lopez flexes her body during yoga, maybe in an attempt to hypnotize the men in the audience to keep from noticing her wretched dialogue, but her dialogue is so self-indulgent and boring that hearing it almost makes no sense as she analyzes why she likes women and the female genitalia and so on, and on, and on that the scene is empty because not even she looks like she believes what she’s saying.
The dialogue is so god-awful with trite annoying one-liners and odd switches to long drawn out self-indulgent monologues as everyone analyzes everything despite the fact neither has a brain in their head. There’s even a really bad, forced, and ridiculous scene in which Gigli is confronted by a group of punks playing a radio very loudly to which Ricki steps to his defense and uses her brain, and big mouth to scare them out of walking away. She quotes Chinese philosopher’s, makes little jokes, the whole kitten caboodle to which they’d expect the audience to clap, while I was just rolling my eyes so much, I nearly got a migraine, not to mention by the worst line of the film in which Lopez spouts a truly obnoxious seduction line on Gigli, one I won’t type. It’s an awful line you can only hear to gasp in horror.
It’s safe to say neither of the characters have redeeming qualities, so we’re given a lot of body shots of the two including a lot of glimpses at Lopez’ legs and between her legs, and Affleck’s muscular physique, perhaps to draw attention from his ridiculous outdated hairdo which looks like a really bad imitation of a fifty’s greaser. Then the film gets desperate by slipping in three walk on cameos from Hollywood veterans, the first being Christopher Walken who I have no idea why he’s in the film in the first place. He pops into Gigli’s apartment, makes another monologue, and leaves never to be seen again. This movie is terrible. It’s a derivative, cliché awful film with terrible performances, embarrassing dialogue, and a plot that goes nowhere fast.
The Guys (2002)
Where were you on 9/11? Everyone who was somehow connected with the horrible tragedy of September 11th asks that; especially people who were living in New York at the time. Where were you on 9/11? What were you doing at the time? I’ve been asked that ever since. Being a born and raised New Yorker, it’d be only natural the topic of 9/11 would pop up sooner or later, and instantly the conversation and everyone involved in it would shift into a sort of sad slumped shoulder mode and gaze down in sadness. 9/11 had a profound effect on everyone, especially people who lived in New York during that tumultuous summer. Since then, there’s been countless films, television specials, documentaries, books, memoirs, and even comic books and trading cards chronicling the tragedy (for a lack of a better word).
The Good Girl (2002)
I was rather intrigued by watching this movie, because it received a ton of critical acclaim and rave. Jennifer Aniston is the title character in this independent movie and this is possibly her best film out of her entire career. Jennifer manages to stray from her corky persona that made her career into a more complex and interesting individual. Throughout the entire movie, we feel her misery as her go-nowhere life is deteriorating her spirit so rapidly it’s painful. Jennifer is excellent in this movie expressing great sympathy from her audience and giving off much depth. I loved this character out of the entire movie and even in scenes that make her unlikable, you can’t help but feel for her.
Gangster No. 1 (2000)
In a film that’s an interesting hybrid of “Reservoir Dogs” and “Goodfellas”, we’re first given a glimpse into an aged and weathered mobster played by the immortal Malcolm McDowell (A Clockwork Orange) who gives the audience his origin of his rise to power. Played by Paul Bettany, he is a young McDowell who is recruited by the top gangster in the neighborhood Freddie Mays (David Thewlis) and takes on a job as one of his henchmen instantly adapting to his line of work. The young gangster is violent, determined and soon begins to eye Mays’ job despite the fact that Mays takes a special liking to him and takes him under his wing.
The Greatest Store in the World (1999)
The Greatest Store in the World” is one of those films you can finish watching and look back on with a smile later on. What this film does is take a somewhat dramatic plot and turn it into a bittersweet tale with occasional laughs that a family can watch together. Like “A Miracle on 34th Street”, the film presents a large store so big it’s capable to house a small family. Dervla Kirwan plays Geraldine a basically free-spirited mother who uses the store as a home for her children and quite cleverly is able to dodge security guards, the doorman “Mr. Whiskers” and the stores snoopy Santa and his elf who swagger around the store bothering people.
The Grey Zone (2001)
“If you understand what happened in the camps, you have a much better understanding of what we’re all about as human beings” says Tim Blake Nelson, director and writer of “The Grey Zone”. But will we ever be able to understand the holocaust? Will we ever be able to understand why we as humans would destroy others like us? Why we would kill Children, and elderly people who were treated like worthless animals? Why one man ordered the destruction of the Jewish race nearly wiping out the entire population of Polish Jews? Based on the play by Tim Blake Nelson and Miklos Nyiszli’s book “Auschwitz: a Doctor’s Eyewitness Account”, “The Grey Zone” dares to explore that question but never gives an answer. There is no answer good enough to explain why the holocaust even happened in the first place.