Vampirella (1996)

Posted on October 23, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

It’s hard to believe almost twenty years ago, the height of superhero movies was “Batman & Robin” with studios not really clamoring to adapt any of the beloved superheroes. It took “Blade” to finally bring some tooth and maturity to the entire sub-genre. One of the more interesting precursors to “Blade” is the dreadfully boring vampire adaptation “Vampirella,” which is a tonally confused take on the pulpy pin up character mostly known for being beautiful and sexy, and not so much for her compelling story lines. “Vampirella” is never sure if it’s campy horror schlock, exploitative vampire softcore, or a stern horror epic. So director Jim Wynorski pretty much lunges for all three on the table, and comes out with this pretty gloomy and dull film.

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Darklight (2004)

Posted on October 23, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

It’s not so much that “Darklight” is a terrible movie, it’s just so lackluster. You figure a movie with such prime material for a dark superhero thriller would be fun, or at least campy, but “Darklight” is a lethargic film. I figured it was me the first time I watched this back in 2004, but ten years later, and the film is still so lifeless and lacking in any kind of charisma or charm. Not even the lovely Shiri Appleby seems to be enjoying this role. She plays a mythical female demon cast out of the Garden of Eden for defying men who becomes a superhero in modern times and ends up serving men, anyway. That’s not a good reason to root for a superhero if you ask me.

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Finder’s Keepers (2014)

Posted on October 21, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

Holy hell, if the Syfy Channel in America is trying to capitalize off of Annabelle from “The Conjuring,” they’re going about it all wrong. It’s hard to rationalize a movie so horribly inept and put together. Through no fault of my own I even fell asleep after the thirty minute mark from sheer boredom, and after awakening I couldn’t quite bring to rewind the film and begin again. “Finder’s Keepers” doesn’t require a lot of thought or explanation. It’s really just a hodgepodge of ideas that amount to absolutely zero. There’s no pay off, no reason to care for the characters, and the writing is painful.

You get the sense the writers really went in with nothing, when they build up a cast of characters, and the only two minorities end up being more interesting than our main characters. The film is mostly centered on Jaime Pressly and Patrick Muldoon’s divorced couple, and their efforts to save their daughter. Yet the entire time I wondered what the pair of Latin women investigating the paranormal, with insight in to the supernatural, was up to. In typical horror movie fashion, they die horribly, even though the main characters are the ones committing truly stupid acts.

Which is shameful since Justina Machado is insanely sexy and always a treat to watch on screen; I’ve always found Jaime Pressly attractive, but Machado actually makes her look plain by comparison. That digression aside, “Finder’s Keepers” is filled with idiotic plot twists, and utterly horrible dialogue. If that’s not enough the characters spend so much of their time bickering that they don’t notice their daughter is being possessed by an ugly doll she finds under a floor. When their friends begin turning up dead (including a utterly wasted Tobin Bell), they begin to figure out that their daughter is being overtaken by the doll she found.

The writers try to elude that the past owner has broken out of his asylum and is doing the murders, but oddly enough that’s dropped in favor of the adorable Kylie Rogers mugging for the camera. The red herrings fly fast and loose, and a lot of plot elements are injected just for the sake of compensating for the clear lack of frights. The writers can’t even decide what the doll is, offering explanations that maybe it’s a worry doll, or a voodoo doll, or an evil spirit, or the embodied spirit of its owner, or a demonic presence consuming the daughter. It’s basically whatever works toward finishing the film the quickest, and for that I thank them.

Big Driver (2014)

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

I’m personally a fan of revenge thrillers, and am quite surprised to see Stephen King of all people concoct a rape revenge thriller. Out of the sub-genre, they’re the most notorious of the sub-sub-genres. “Big Driver” is an often toothless and ridiculous rape revenge thriller about a writer who may possibly be going mad after being viciously and repeatedly raped in a road side gas station by a hulking driver. He’s known as “Big Driver,” and is a very menacing and horrific villain. That is until the narrative unfolds and then he becomes a cartoon. It’s not enough that he may possibly be a trucker that had an impulse to rape and victimize a gorgeous woman on an abandoned road.

And it’s not enough that perhaps he has snared his share of victims in the past. No, King has to keep piling on absurd twists and turns with our villain Big Driver, while pretending to say something about writers. Truly, the writers’ psyche can be a maddening and unusual place, but for Tess Thorne, she’s a woman who’s been victimized one too many times and has an odd selection of friends. She has her characters from her book series about knitting elderly women solving crimes, her GPS named Tom (the only trustworthy man in her life), a cat named Fritz, and a neighbor who may or may not be romantically involved with Thorne.

Nothing is ever really confirmed for the audience, as every element of the plot is thrown up in to the air and never really resolved. At one point it’s suggested the stylish revenge plot is all in Tess’s mind but it’s never confirmed. Then we’re told that her confrontation with Big Driver was planned. “That’s a little far fetched,” Tess thinks aloud. But lo and behold, it’s not too far fetched the primary narrative itself. And by god King goes all the way, with a dramatic confrontation, and an abrupt final scene that may or may not be one big imaginary sequence in Tess’ slowly unraveling mind. What is the horrendous life Tess had? Why does Tess come across another victimized woman? What insight does this moment lend her exactly?

Is Tom the imagining of an ex-boyfriend or just a creation of Tess’s to compensate for her lack of romance? If Tess really is so closed off to everyone, why does she live in such an open suburban neighborhood? And what of the loose ends like Tess taking a limo home after being raped? No one really reported her injuries? I’m not sure if “Big Driver” is supposed to be a meta-thriller about a writer who enacts revenge through means that seem almost too good to be realistic, and the almost ridiculous sequence of events are intentionally silly, but “Big Driver” is too haphazardly written and sloppily directed to really answer that for the audience. In the end, it’s a terrible thriller with more head scratching questions than answers.

Mothman (2010)

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

With a B movie like “Mothman,” you can only laugh it off. What keeps the film from really taking off as an effective horror entry is that it’s so painfully derivative of “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” Jewel Staite stars as Katharine, a young girl a part of a small group that goes camping. One night during a swim with her friends, they decide to pull a prank on the youngest in the group resulting in an accidental drowning. So frightened are they by this that they decide to cover it up, and pretend it was one big accident. Why?

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Witch’s Night Out (1978) (DVD)

Posted on October 5, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

John Leach’s “Witch’s Night Out” is a cute, if crudely drawn, Halloween classic that was long thought obscure for a while. Mill Creek releases the odd animated movie on DVD and suffice it to say in spite of its simplistic style, it’s a fun Halloween adventure. Brother and sister Small and Tender spend their night trick or treating, and find that their Halloween has all but stunk. Angered and disillusioned, they ready for bed with their babysitter Bazooey doting over them. Just then the powerful Witch (as played by Gilda Radner) hears their wishes to be actual ghosts and werewolves for Halloween. She interrupts their wishes, and decides to grant them their hearts desire to become Halloween monsters. Despite Bazooey’s protests, the witch appeals to his child hood dreams, and turns him in to a Frankenstein monster.

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Bunks (2013)

Posted on October 4, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

Mix “Meatballs” with “Return of the Living Dead” and you have “Bunks,” a horror comedy that should not be so entertaining. For a movie that’s rated PG and is primarily for kids, “Bunks” is shockingly exciting and often creepy, but that’s how far the zombie sub-genre has embedded itself in to pop culture. We now have PG horror comedies with brain eating zombies. What’s even more surprising is that director Tibor Takács is able to get away with a lot here, including some mild violence and a lot suggested intense violence.

After Dylan and Dane manage to fool their rivals Sanjay and Delory in to attending boot camp, the pair of brothers takes their identities and play counselors for the summer at Camp Bushwhacked. While exploring an old cabin, the brothers and fellow campers find a mysterious book filled with scary stories. Little do they know that “Bushwhacked” is cursed and has instilled a no scary stories policy. Unaware, they tell the legend of a group of campers that fall victim to a scientist testing his zombie serum, trapping Anson Minor in the lab forever. Telling the story unleashes Anson once again to roam the woods feeding on the brains of local campers. As the zombie plague begins once again, Dylan and Dane have to figure out how to end his reign of terror.

When a rival camper discovers Anson in his lab, he breaks the collar that can control his urges, thus unleashing a zombie apocalypse. “Bunks” is a surprisingly creepy and tense movie that relies on slapstick comedy and interesting twists on the zombie formula to entertain the audience. Not only does the impending zombie apocalypse release a furor of chaos, but the campers have to work together to figure out a serum to end the zombie plague, and tame Anson. Tibor Takács pulls off balancing kid friendly comedy with zombie horror well, implementing some really atmospheric zombie attacks, along with a lot of laugh out loud fodder.

From the motorized ball machine attack, to the camp counselor that refuses to admit her boyfriend Crawl is a zombie due to his status as head counselor, “Bunks” uses the camp setting to its advantage and never slows down. The performances all around are top notch, including Aidan Shipley who is hilarious as the slacker Dane. Tom Keenan is also great as Anson, the “Bub” of the film who is good natured enough, but deadly when his collar malfunctions. Tibor Takács’s “Bunks” works well and gels together as a fine amalgam of sub-genres and classic summer camp fun for the PG crowds. For potential horror buffs, “Bunks” is a worthwhile introduction to zombie cinema.