I remember when I first read that “Dungeons & Dragons” was about to come to theaters in cinematic form. At the time of the film’s release I was obsessed with fantasy, and dragons and wouldn’t you know it? Zoe McLellan was co-starring. To fans of obscure science fiction, she co-starred as a gorgeous nerd in the TV series “Invisible Man.” If you want to know what that is, look it up. It’s a long story. I digress. McLellan would go on to play a gorgeous nerdy librarian in “Dungeons & Dragons” who really didn’t do much in the film. But she looked fetching the entire time. What makes “Dungeons & Dragons” such an astonishing film, is that it was released by New Line Cinema in the year 2000. As stated by other movie critics, “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” would be released a year later around December of the same time.
Category Archives: Movie Reviews
Judge Dredd (1995)
Before the comic book movie revival of the twenty first century, the nineties didn’t have that many notable comic book movies to brag about. There was the awful “Tank Girl,” and the even worse “Barb Wire.” There was “Spawn,” and “Generation X,” and “Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD,” “STEEL,” and “Batman and Robin.” And like those aforementioned titles, Hollywood adapted these titles completely missing why readers actually flocked to them in the first place. Never content with laying waste to more underground comic books, Hollywood eventually got its hands on Judge Dredd and turned it in to a Hollywood schlock fest that was so desperate for an audience it cast Rob Schneider in a major role.
Titanic (1997)
It’s not a surprise why “Titanic” ended up becoming one of the highest grossing movies of all time and was later de-throned by “Avatar” by the very same director that brought us the aforementioned movie. Both films are so utterly broadly written and vague in their mass appeal that they’re pretty much guaranteed to be massive hits. With his hand on the button of the latest special effects, and a script that can be as ho hum and derivative as possible without a single complaint from his audience, “Titanic” is one of the two major blockbusters from director James Cameron. And like his future massive hit “Avatar,” it is an immense crowd pleaser because it doesn’t challenge or push its audience to think. It merely offers up vague characters, hackneyed archetypes, and a bang up special effects presentation that is still the small highlight in a giant disappointment.
Airplane! (1980)
Is there a comedy more perfect than “Airplane!”? I ask you. It’s in the list of the five perfect comedies ever made, and is definitely one of my top ten comedy films of all time, as well as one of my favorite movies of all time. It’s a film that appeals to folks who appreciate subtle comedy, raunchy comedy, silly comedy, and comedy that doesn’t require any thought at all. There are sight gags, puns, word plays, double entendres, and gratuitous nudity. There’s action, romance, suspense, stunts, and two jive talking passengers no one understands. There’s Kareem Abdul Jabar being Kareem Abdul Jabar, Peter Graves being a lunatic, Leslie Nielsen delivering the most genius deadpan comedic performance of his career, Lloyd Bridges who has an unusual history with recreational substances, and Ethel Merman for some reason.
Girl Model (2012)
The world featured in the newest documentary “Girl Model” features an entire world of people who have decided a model’s life. Except for the actual models themselves. When we first view the casting agents for the Switch agency, they’re lining up groups of incredibly beautiful prepubescent girls with potential to be international models and judging them incredibly harshly. They’re called fat, pigs, and told to go on major diets in spite of the fact most of these young girls could be knocked over with a gust of strong wind at any moment. “Girl Model” explores a world that doesn’t just appreciate youth. It lusts for it.
Planet of the Apes (2001)
Subtlety has never been one of Tim Burton’s strong suits as a filmmaker. As a storyteller and overall director, Burton’s films rely on imagery and over enthusiastic narratives to do what he can’t as a craftsman. Oddly enough Burton is assigned to direct a remake of one of the most thematically subtle films of all time. “Planet of the Apes” is one of the most relevant commentaries on humanity and politics that has ever been brought to the big screen, and Burton never really grasps that aspect.
The Room (2003)
My love for The Room has not been an easy road. It took months of fine tuning, refinement, some conformity and skipping doses of my meds to get down to the level of Tommy Wiseau and his unmitigated cult masterpiece. Whether you’ve seen the movie in its true form, whether you’ve seen it play on the April Fool’s Day airings on cable television here in America, whether you were there during the great tirade of Wiseau on online critics, “The Room” and its charms are almost impossible to ignore. It’s a movie so bad, so inept, so unbelievably painful, it’s almost impossible to comprehend anyone thought it would be great on-screen, “The Room” is a film I constantly quote to this day–ohai Mark!