So, you’re likely asking, why in the name of tap-dancing Jesus would anyone even think about creating a sequel to one of the worst movies ever made. Well–your guess is really as good as mine. Make an assortment of guesses. Because I have no flipping clue. Anyway, literally about fifteen minutes in to my notes, I’m watching, and hoping, and then I see the zombies whom have green teeth, and bad white skin. Their teeth is neon green by the way, and their skin makes them look like mimes. And then I put one star without a doubt next to the title. Sometimes I’ll end up changing it, but usually the grade I give a film stays permanent and I didn’t have to worry about changing it during the course of this wretched sequel. It’s a bad movie. Really bad. Not Uwe Boll bad, that I can attest to, but it’s bad. And there’s still no fucking house.
Tag Archives: H
Hostel (2005)
“Hi! I’m Eli Roth, I’m that film school reject people like Quentem Tarantino and Takaki Miike are saying is a genius! I make moving pictures, moving pictures that really suck, but see people don’t know that, because I just pass it off as art, and then my mentor pats my head, critics praise me, complacent horror fans worship me, and I disappear in to my house.” There were two movies that came out in 2005, two similar attempted nihilistic horror entries that were both very gory, very unique, and made at the displeasure of the MPAA, and both struck chords with horror fans. Except this one.
Hitch (2005)
It’s a shame, Will Smith, with all his appeal, money, and clout in the business doesn’t take all he has and use it to do some good for film. Instead of working on cookie cutter romances, and boring action flicks, he could be out there changing how films are made. Yet, here he sits, on another cookie cutter romance that bears nothing resembling originality or innovation. Smith has taken his advantages and used it to have a career of mediocrity. “Hitch” another short title starring a playboy who helps people get in love, and even talks in to the camera with a smug smile in the tradition of films like “Alfie”. It’s hard to feel any sympathy or connection towards someone who’s so cocky and arrogant.
House of Wax (2005)
I found myself occasionally chuckling during the film, and the reason was because I could almost practically hear the one-minded logic that would surface when its target audience attempted to explain its endearment for this basically forgettable remake. The typical target audience will ultimately like this better than any of the other versions because: “Oh my god, Chad Michael Murray is like so totally hot”, or “Damn, Elisha Cuthbert is so totally hot and awesome”. Either way, are you at all surprised that I didn’t like this remake very much? I wanted to be surprised by this, but in the end I wasn’t, and I was given exactly what I expected: yet another WB star laden remake that was more concerned with touting stars of hit shows than actually casting real actors. Get with the program people! These are vehicles, not movies, these are promotional tools, not films, these are publicity programs, not a horror movie! These are fillers for resumes, not roles!
Hidalgo (2004)
“Hidalgo” is often times a very fun and exciting throwback to old time serials, with a guiltless innocence that is family fun through and through without the taint of colorful characters. And it is a lot of fun from beginning to end with a great story that everyone can really become involved in. Based on the supposedly and debatably true accounts of Frank Hopkins, an adventurer who risked tooth and nail during an epic race across the desert. Though it can be debated if the events depicted here ever really happened, what we see on-screen most of the time is a lot of fun as post-Aragorn Viggo Mortensen takes the reins of adventure hero this time and really packs a punch as the anti-hero Frank who is haunted by the slaughter of his people, and is in a bitter battle with his conscience over his heritage as a Native American.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)
I rarely, and I mean rarely ever give modern comedies glowing reviews, because most of the time, comedies really suck, they suck like Paris Hilton on prom night, and then I saw “Harold & Kumar”. I’ll admit, I expected this to be really bad, I was dreading watching this, and I just expected it to be as bad as “Dude, Where’s My Car?”, but when I was finished with this movie, I didn’t hate it. As a matter of fact, I loved it. You may not know it by the trailers but this is a rather intelligent comedy, and as much as it tries not to be, it’s an original comedy. Harold and Kumar are a lot like Beavis and Butthead, except smart, like Cheech and Chong sans the hippy lingo, and our two spotlight characters are stoners who happen to be rather intelligent educated people who really just smoke pot to relax after the pressures of life take hold.
Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
While “The Prisoner of Azkaban” was a critical success, I’ve discovered a lot of the hardcore fans disliked this movie a great deal. As for the financial success it’s pretty much a no-brainer; these films are made because there’s automatically a built-in audience, but as far as critical success, critics loved the work done by Alfonso Cuaron, and I’m one of them. While it may be true I’ve never read the book, I prefer looking at it from a perspective of an outsider and this is the best installment of the franchise so far. I liked the first film, was on the fence for the less than exciting sequel, but this happens to be the best I’ve seen for this so far. As for the “Harry Potter” franchise, I’ve never clicked with this or its less than–how shall I say–sane fans, but this is a great cinematic marvel.