Top Ten Horror Characters We Hate

We all have those movie characters we hate. Horror movie fans especially know the feeling of watching a horror movie and having to endure those obnoxious useless characters that we’re desperate to see perish. If we’re unfortunate enough it’s three or more people we want to die, and if we’re spared, it’s only one. Sometimes they’re whiny, or loud, or useless. Sometimes they’re unfunny, or shrill.

Sometimes they contribute nothing to the survival effort, sometimes they bug the other characters, or do nothing but moan about their own problems. Or sometimes they’re just there to pander to audiences. Every horror movie has that character you wish would just disappear or die a horrible death, and as such we’ve compiled a list of our top ten horror characters we hated. And these are characters we still hate, no matter how much we may enjoy the movies.

FRIDAY-THE-13TH-PART-IV-THE10. Teddy – Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Is it any wonder everyone in the movie gets to sleep around except this character? Even Crispin Glover gets to sleep with one of the girls in the group, and yet the character who spends most of his time judging people on their relationships ends his sub-plot watching silent porn, and being stabbed to death by Jason.

jack_black_0039. Titus Telesco – I Still Know What You Did…

I like Jack Black like I like apple pie. I’m not crazy about it, but I enjoy it whenever it’s around. But Black as the dreadlock donning rastafarian is one of the worst elements in an already stupid horror movie, and his death is a wonderful release that ensures the writers were intent on murdering everyone who made us roll our eyes. Somehow Brandy was spared.

000FDT_Kerr_Smith_0158. Carter – Final Destination

I can understand anyone being freaked out in this situation. You beat Death, and now Death is coming for you in as twisted a way as possible, but Carter really does nothing but make things difficult for literally everyone and gets Sean William Scott decapitated. Okay, maybe he’s not all that bad. In either case, he shockingly survives until the end. Thank goodness he never appeared in the sequels.

index7. Glen – Seed of Chucky

Hell, the writers couldn’t decide on giving Chucky a son or a daughter, so why not give him a transgender sexually confused puppet for a child? That’s funny. I assume. “Seed of Chucky” is a miserable enough movie, but Glen as a whole is a poorly conceived running joke that was so stupid he didn’t even take over the series for Chucky and Tiffany like the producers obviously planned. The studios were smart enough to hit the reboot button before Chucky ended up in space.

Randy-Scream-26. Randy – Scream 2

Randy was only in “Scream” to explain the references to audiences unfamiliar with horror movies. He serves literally no function other than to stand around explaining every single plot twist and connecting it to a horror movie. Why is he friends with this group? If that isn’t enough, he ends up in college with Sidney Prescott, and once again, he does nothing to help the cause but try to find the killer, and is dumb enough to be murdered in the middle of a crowded college campus. But at least he had the foresight to film a tape of his last words… to explain the story for the audience yet again.

dewey5. Dewey – Scream

How this fool made it all the way to the end of “Scream 4” is beyond me. In the first film he was a lucky survivor, in part two he was a tragic survivor, and by part three it was clear that writer Kevin Williamson just didn’t have the balls to kill him off. Even in “Scream 4” he evades the new killers at every turn and manages to survive to see the closing credits. Yes, it’s so meta to have the least competent character survive and become the hero, but it’s boring when you know by the third film that nothing bad is going to happen to them.

TUEkp4. Lindsay and Jenny – Human Centipede

Never drink anything you didn’t mix yourself. And most importantly, don’t trust the man living way out in the middle of nowhere. No matter how nice he seems, he is German, after all. The pair of girls in Tom Six’s ode to stupidity really do nothing but make some of the stupidest moves imaginable, even when it becomes clear to about anyone with common sense that the doctor they’ve happened upon while being stranded is in fact mad and psychotic. And rather than simply run away and come back for her friend, one of the girls goes back to free her friend ultimately sealing her fate as the middle of the centipede. Getting crap forced in to your mouth just about sums up Tom Six’s movie.

kelly-freddyvsjason13. Kia Waterson – Freddy vs. Jason

Kelly Rowlands can’t act, thus she adds almost nothing to a movie that really needed all of the energy and charisma it could get. The movie was fun, but a risky experiment, and it paid off. No thanks to Rowlands who plays one of the most insignificant best friends in horror history, doing nothing but complaining, and only has a small moment with Krueger who almost tears her nose off in a dream. In an effort to piss off Freddy, possibly the stupidest moment of the movie, Jason thankfully puts the audience out of our misery and smashes her in to a tree.

H52. Tina – Halloween 5

The only reason Tina is such a large part of the movie is that she was canoodling with the director off screen. There’s no reason why this moronic shrill irritating self centered human manifestation of nails on a chalkboard should have survived until the very end. With Ellie Cornell asking to be let off of the series, the final films basically cut off one of the more likable characters, and replaced her with Tina, her best friend. It’s odd she never appears in “Halloween 4,” or is ever mentioned, but suddenly she’s Jamie’s best friend and big sister? I don’t get it. Not to mention she must have been aware of the fact she and her big sister had a run in with a masked psychopath, and yet does everything to avoid listening to common sense. Even when she’s being sweet, you just hope Michael comes and skewers her with a pitch fork.

DOTD20041. Everyone from Dawn of the Dead 2004

For survivors, it’s a wonder how any of these morons ever survived a single day in this zombie infested world. These zombies run at full speed and chomp on you, and yet they can barely catch this group of idiots that can’t even get together and devise a solid plan of escape from this mall. They spend the whole movie trying to get to Andy in the gun shop, but don’t figure in the fucking sewer that leads to his shop, until air head Nicole goes to save her mongrel dog Chips. She even drives over there on the truck smashing through zombies and makes it inside Andy’s shop. Hello?! Why didn’t anyone try that?! And they don’t have hobby shops in the mall? How about a high powered toy helicopter to carry a stupid sandwich to his roof top?

Or a race car with a meat loaf strapped to the top to get to Andy? Hell, feed him the dog. And Andy never had a CB radio to contact the group? What, you can build a tank like MacGuyver, but you can’t figure out how to get food to a guy across the parking lot? Ana is probably the shittiest nurse in history, who doesn’t even check up on character Andre’s wife once, considering she’s about to have a child in a world without medicine, doctors, or life support. Genius Michael builds a tank that has the survivors holding active chainsaws in a moving truck. Lo and behold two of the characters are offed during the final chase because their inability to hold a damn chainsaw still. Right, give the chainsaws to the thin woman and feeble elderly man. That’s brilliant. No one ever commandeers the underground parking lot until the lights go out, perhaps to check for gasoline or a working car to escape with. It just goes on and on. Worst remake ever.

The House of Seven Corpses (1974)

The-House-of-Seven-Corpses

As far as murder mystery movies about evil houses, “The House of Seven Corpses” is not a masterpiece. I’m by no means intent on watching it again for at least a few years, but it makes a good argument for nonsensical genre fodder that doesn’t even try. The main character’s cat gets in to a stare down with a painting on a wall featuring the head of a severed cat. There’s the “Tibetan Book of the Dead” that’s bandied about like it’s an encyclopedia, and did I mention a zombie pops up in the end? Why? Who the hell knows? The zombie just gets out of its grave, kills the entire cast, carries a naked girl to his grave, and the movie ends.

Continue reading

Girls and Corpses Volume #7 “Nuclear” Summer [Magazine]

gc_cover7

For fans of gore and horror, the number one necrophilia/horror magazine is back with their nuclear summer issue. Celebrating the end of the world, the magazine is still strictly for folks with a strong stomach and not for the faint of heart. After a very good letter from magazine founder Robert Rhine about the nuclear apocalypse, there’s an interview with GWAR founder Oderus Urungus about the band’s history, his association with horror director Adam Green, and the group’s newest album. “Talkin’ Street Trash” is a great interview with writer and producer Roy Frumkes, who discusses his dark horror comedy “Street Trash,” which has just been granted a brand spanking new edition on Blu-Ray this year. Frumkes speaks of his experience with special effects, his history with “Street Trash,” his days as a zombie on “Dawn of the Dead,” and various other projects.

Continue reading

The Walking Dead: The Oath [Web Series]

TWD_S4WebisodeWide

 It’s a small world, after all! Set immediately after a zombie siege on a survivor camp, Karina and Paul flee from a horde of the undead. In a scenario similar to the episode “Wildfire” Karina and Paul decide to escape the clutches of the dead. Little does Karina know that her only surviving companion Paul is bleeding to death from a mortal wound during combat. Ashley Bell and Wyatt Russell give solid and compelling performances as the pair of survivors sticking to their own oaths that could guarantee them survival. They both want something different and have varying outlooks on the new world ahead of them. Karina is hopeless and lingering on the edge of insanity, especially when she discovers Paul is bleeding badly.

Continue reading

Dead Before Dawn 3D (2012)

DBD

Watching “Dead Before Dawn” try to be funny is like going in to a third rate haunted house in the sticks on Halloween. It’s nice you’re trying really hard, but you really aren’t doing what you intend to. “Dead Before Dawn” tries to be many things, and one of them is a comedy. While it did elicit genuine laughs from me sporadically it manages to miss more than it hits. In fact by the end, the joke went on almost way too long. I was pretty relieved it ended or else I was afraid I’d begin to hate it.

Continue reading

Prince Of Darkness (1987) (Collector’s Edition) [Blu-ray]

91zDzGy3maL._SL1500_John Carpenter’s “Prince of Darkness,” the second leg in the “Apocalypse Trilogy” is a horrifying film about the apocalypse and one of the many Carpenter films where good fights evil and evil wins. Again. And again. It’s interesting that “Prince of Darkness” is almost a precursor to the found footage film boom of the mid aughts, as director John Carpenter stages a series of dream sequences void of cinematic flare. Through fuzzy hand held cameras, he manages to stage numerous horrific dream sequences signaling the coming of the anti-god, and the anti-Christ, all the while using it as a means of expressing how imminent the apocalypse is. The thirty second dream sequences are much more horrifying than most found footage films I’ve ever seen.

Continue reading

Monday Movie Pause: Honest Trailers: World War Z (2013)

Not that Honest Trailers needs the promotion (we’re huge fans), but I appreciate their destruction of “World War Z,” a movie I hated not just because it was an adaptation of the book in name only, but because it was tame, boring, poorly written, and turned a story about humanity coming together in to a jingoistic video game. Thank you, Honest Trailers.