Finder’s Keepers (2014)

Posted on October 21, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

Holy hell, if the Syfy Channel in America is trying to capitalize off of Annabelle from “The Conjuring,” they’re going about it all wrong. It’s hard to rationalize a movie so horribly inept and put together. Through no fault of my own I even fell asleep after the thirty minute mark from sheer boredom, and after awakening I couldn’t quite bring to rewind the film and begin again. “Finder’s Keepers” doesn’t require a lot of thought or explanation. It’s really just a hodgepodge of ideas that amount to absolutely zero. There’s no pay off, no reason to care for the characters, and the writing is painful.

You get the sense the writers really went in with nothing, when they build up a cast of characters, and the only two minorities end up being more interesting than our main characters. The film is mostly centered on Jaime Pressly and Patrick Muldoon’s divorced couple, and their efforts to save their daughter. Yet the entire time I wondered what the pair of Latin women investigating the paranormal, with insight in to the supernatural, was up to. In typical horror movie fashion, they die horribly, even though the main characters are the ones committing truly stupid acts.

Which is shameful since Justina Machado is insanely sexy and always a treat to watch on screen; I’ve always found Jaime Pressly attractive, but Machado actually makes her look plain by comparison. That digression aside, “Finder’s Keepers” is filled with idiotic plot twists, and utterly horrible dialogue. If that’s not enough the characters spend so much of their time bickering that they don’t notice their daughter is being possessed by an ugly doll she finds under a floor. When their friends begin turning up dead (including a utterly wasted Tobin Bell), they begin to figure out that their daughter is being overtaken by the doll she found.

The writers try to elude that the past owner has broken out of his asylum and is doing the murders, but oddly enough that’s dropped in favor of the adorable Kylie Rogers mugging for the camera. The red herrings fly fast and loose, and a lot of plot elements are injected just for the sake of compensating for the clear lack of frights. The writers can’t even decide what the doll is, offering explanations that maybe it’s a worry doll, or a voodoo doll, or an evil spirit, or the embodied spirit of its owner, or a demonic presence consuming the daughter. It’s basically whatever works toward finishing the film the quickest, and for that I thank them.

Terror in the Aisles (1984)

Posted on October 21, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

If there’s one film I’d suggest to blossoming horror fans that need a primer course for the genre, I’d suggest “Terror in the Aisles.” It’s not a horror movie, so much as a compilation of some of the most interesting thrillers and horror movies from the seventies and eighties, and it touches on the idea of horror’s role in our everyday lives. Why do people love to be scared? What keeps us coming back to horror movies? Why do so many people frighten by horror cinema when there are valid threats in reality? One of the more interesting ideas behind “Terror In the Aisles” is the exploration of movie going as a communal experience.

Once upon a time we could sit in a large dark room with a bunch of strangers and soak in a horrific experience together. We’d laugh, flinch, scream, and feel some sense of camaraderie, in the end. That’s become something of an antiquated habit with the advent of home entertainment. I won’t be seeing “Terror in the DVD Player” any time soon. The gorgeous Nancy Allen and Donald Pleasance host what is a pretty well put together montage that examines fear and how we use it as a means of excitement and exhilaration, even when we’re sitting in the comfort of a movie theater. Allen and Pleasance’s hosting is fantastic as they indulge the audience with charismatic introductions of key moments in some great horror films.

They’re fitted to topics like sex, natural terrors, the occult, and despicable villains. One of the reasons why the documentary is still so resonant is because there are moments during the compilation where we’re given a glimpse at movie goers watching and reacting to horror movies. Scripted as they may be, director Andrew J. Kuehn captures the thrill of the movie theater and losing yourself in frights accurately, and they result in some fun and funny slices of life. I’m still a bit taken aback that there are no clips to “Dawn of the Dead” or “The Exorcist.” You figure two films with such impact on the horror medium, including the latter title would be the centerpiece of the documentary.

Despite that glaring omission, there are still a myriad iconic moments from great films like “Scanners,” “Strangers on a Train,” and “Carrie.” Kuehn’s documentary is a thrilling and excellent celebration of horror and the movie theater community, and is a must see to this day.

The Walking Dead Season 5 Episode 2: Strangers

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

When we last saw Rick Grimes and his group, they were on top of the world and counting their victories over their losses, for once. It took us four seasons, but by god we finally are meeting Rick Grimes from the comic books. He’s cautious, he’s relentless, he knows he can take anything on in this wasteland, and he’s always on his toes. When he meets new character Gabriel Stokes, he is more than happy to converse with him, all the while ordering him to raise his arms as he checks for a concealed weapon. Never change, Rick. And what’s thrilling is that along with Rick, the show’s writers are now taking on one of the more unsettling storylines from the comics.

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Riding the Bullet (2004)

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

You can’t even really call “Riding the Bullet” a horror film, when all is said and done. Like most of Stephen King’s semi-autobiographical tales, Mick Garris’ adaptation is a contemplation on mortality and nostalgia from a more innocent time. “Riding the Bullet” is less about scaring, and is more focused on a selfish stoner, with an Oedipus complex and a fixation on death. And King conveys his fear of death by trying to dig in to the audience’s fear of death. I imagine the character in “Riding the Bullet” is closer to King than any other story he’s ever written, but that’s merely an assumption on my part. “Riding the Bullet” has interesting intent and good performances, but it’s more a tragedy bereft of scares.

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Wither (2012)

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

Director Sonny Laguna, and Tommy Wiklund’s “Wither” is about as close as you’re going to get to a foreign remake of “Evil Dead.” The one aspect that redeems the film is that “Wither” has such admirable technical prowess, excellent direction, and top notch acting behind it, you forgive it being an obvious ode to Sam Raimi’s original cabin in the woods horror film. “Wither” has that indie gloss, while also being a very well orchestrated horror splatter film about demons, and one man’s sheer demented quest to survive through the night.

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Blood Widow (2014)

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

What’s interesting about “Blood Widow” is that first time director Jeremiah Buckhalt really is on to something with the character of Blood Widow. She’s a beautifully designed and vicious slasher villain with an incredible blood lust. The mask she dons is spooky, and she really looks like she can take anyone on, be it a damsel in distress, or a four hundred pound trucker. It’s just a shame that she’s given almost nothing to do in her first slasher outing. Jeremiah Buckhalt’s movie clocks in at eighty minutes, and most of that time is spent on a group of characters that aren’t very interesting or smart.

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Big Driver (2014)

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Felix Vasquez

I’m personally a fan of revenge thrillers, and am quite surprised to see Stephen King of all people concoct a rape revenge thriller. Out of the sub-genre, they’re the most notorious of the sub-sub-genres. “Big Driver” is an often toothless and ridiculous rape revenge thriller about a writer who may possibly be going mad after being viciously and repeatedly raped in a road side gas station by a hulking driver. He’s known as “Big Driver,” and is a very menacing and horrific villain. That is until the narrative unfolds and then he becomes a cartoon. It’s not enough that he may possibly be a trucker that had an impulse to rape and victimize a gorgeous woman on an abandoned road.

And it’s not enough that perhaps he has snared his share of victims in the past. No, King has to keep piling on absurd twists and turns with our villain Big Driver, while pretending to say something about writers. Truly, the writers’ psyche can be a maddening and unusual place, but for Tess Thorne, she’s a woman who’s been victimized one too many times and has an odd selection of friends. She has her characters from her book series about knitting elderly women solving crimes, her GPS named Tom (the only trustworthy man in her life), a cat named Fritz, and a neighbor who may or may not be romantically involved with Thorne.

Nothing is ever really confirmed for the audience, as every element of the plot is thrown up in to the air and never really resolved. At one point it’s suggested the stylish revenge plot is all in Tess’s mind but it’s never confirmed. Then we’re told that her confrontation with Big Driver was planned. “That’s a little far fetched,” Tess thinks aloud. But lo and behold, it’s not too far fetched the primary narrative itself. And by god King goes all the way, with a dramatic confrontation, and an abrupt final scene that may or may not be one big imaginary sequence in Tess’ slowly unraveling mind. What is the horrendous life Tess had? Why does Tess come across another victimized woman? What insight does this moment lend her exactly?

Is Tom the imagining of an ex-boyfriend or just a creation of Tess’s to compensate for her lack of romance? If Tess really is so closed off to everyone, why does she live in such an open suburban neighborhood? And what of the loose ends like Tess taking a limo home after being raped? No one really reported her injuries? I’m not sure if “Big Driver” is supposed to be a meta-thriller about a writer who enacts revenge through means that seem almost too good to be realistic, and the almost ridiculous sequence of events are intentionally silly, but “Big Driver” is too haphazardly written and sloppily directed to really answer that for the audience. In the end, it’s a terrible thriller with more head scratching questions than answers.