Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Creepshow III (2006)

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Just so you know, Stephen King and George Romero had as much to do with this as Romero did with “Day of the Dead: Contagium.” Just so you know, “Creepshow III” is about as much of a sequel to the series, as “Debbie Does Dallas” is a documentary on sports. Taurus Entertainment had the pure balls to attempt to tie this in with the original “Creepshow” series, and failed, big time. And guess what? A “Creepshow 4” is on the way. Yes, sir. Taurus, the maker of pure dog vomit, has now continued the crappy sequels department, and their reign of terror isn’t ending any time soon. “Creepshow III” is one of their plans of attack on the genre, and “Creepshow III” is a pure travesty on the senses. It’s so bad it inflicts actual physical pain on its viewer. It’s so bad it makes Uwe Boll look like a brilliant director. It’s bad, would be the general bullet point of this review.

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Scoop (2006)

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After the painfully overrated “Match Point,” I was basically ready to welcome anything else that Allen could offer us. Sadly, going out of New York and onto the UK for his comedy thrillers has worked against Allen, and he’s pretty out of his element, as it becomes apparent with “Scoop.” All essence of genius and life is gone, and every one liner that Allen hurls our way manages to fall flatter and flatter to the point where it becomes rather pathetic. Especially when you consider the fact he’s now resorted to remaking his own movies, with “Scoop” being a loose remake of “Manhattan Murder Mystery.”

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Miracle in the Rain (1956)

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 I’m glad “Miracle in the Rain” turned out to be a great romance, because I was pretty much disappointed by the Valentine’s packet Warner Home Video sent over to review. “Miracle in the Rain” is mostly just a show for Van Johnson. Johnson, ever the versatile entertainer, really shines well in “Miracle in the Rain,” a romance drama about a soldier on leave who meets a young woman one day and sparks a romance with her. Their relationship is lovely right from the get go, as Johnson’s character Art seems to break the shell of Wyman’s introverted Ruth. He sparks conversations, almost interrupts her life, and she is a better person for it. “Miracle in the Rain” is one of many war time romance dramas about the effects of World War II on the world and the individuals within it.

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The Break-Up (2006)

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the-break-up-550x309I’m one who personally doesn’t enjoy the quick talking shtick that has basically made Vince Vaughn’s career. Not only is it a rather tiresome shtick, but hearing him talking like he’s wired on coke is often rather mind-numbing. So you pair up Vaughn’s coke head comedy, with Jennifer Aniston’s perpetually bland acting, and you have this vehicle that hopes to create a neo-“Odd Couple” vibe that never works. Romance comedies hardly ever work these days, and it’s because we have to care about relationships between two obnoxious characters with no connection to the audience. How can I give a shit about two people like this?

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Debbie Does Dallas (1978)

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Let me tell you, its tough reviewing one of the most famous porn movies ever made. Hell, its tough reviewing porn, period. How do you review a porno movie? I can’t really speak on the acting, because hell, it’s a porn movie, there aren’t Oscar winning performances. And the production quality is abysmal. So, how do I go about this, I ask myself. But you’re probably asking why I’m reviewing a porno movie. Well, it’s just because this over-opinionated asshole wanted to throw his three cents in on this classic film. You’ve all heard about it. You know about it, so I thought I’d just give you the lowdown. The reason “Debbie Does Dallas” is such a bonafide classic is simply because it has everything men and women like in a porno. The sex scenes are staged fantasies, the cast is comprised of cheerleaders, and our main character is hot. “Debbie Does Dallas” has a huge history in the film medium. For proof on that, check out “Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered,” and you’ll see what I mean. The reason why “Debbie Does Dallas” was big was because of Bambi Woods. People attribute the success of this film to many things, but I pin it on Bambi Woods. Woods isn’t (or wasn’t, if she’s actually dead) a fox in the strictest sense.

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Hannibal Rising (2007)

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This is us. This is us in America. We have to know about the monster, we have to demystify the boogeyman. We can’t be kept in the dark on some things. And of course, we have to know Hannibal is not a cold calculating killer, but a troubled child whose family was killed; so he decided to strike back at those who caused it. No, it’s actually the premise for this; I’m not confusing it for “Batman Begins.” And like the prequel to “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” we’re just supposed to believe Lecter became a cannibal one day.

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Mimic: Sentinel (2003)

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mimic3What happens when you have a film franchise that’s lacking in almost everything required of a good film? You use a different approach. The “Mimic” series has been nothing but abysmal, and it was only a matter of time before we had a film in the series that tried it from a different perspective. Anyone who sees this will know this is a pure rip off of “Sisters,” front and back. The attempted psychoses, the plot twists, our nosy neighbor and his inevitable discovery. Petty rips shamelessly from the film, and while I came to accept it, it also works against the film’s quality in which the film’s attempted complexities come off as pure conceit and desperate. The film lacks anything nearing an esoteric framework, especially since it involves a giant bug.

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