It’s no secret what my feelings are about 2003’s “Cabin Fever.” I hate it. I despise it. If I could go back in time, I’d prevent myself from spending money on it in theaters and instead go see the mediocre “Underworld.” It’s one of the most painful movie going experiences I’ve ever endured, and I welcomed a remake. Surely, it’s disgraceful that in this day and age “Cabin Fever” has had two sequels, and a remake, while films like “Behind the Mask” are scrounging for money for a follow-up. But Hollywood is Hollywood, and people love their trash. Thankfully, 2016’s “Cabin Fever” is a superior remake, even if it is still abysmal nonsense.
Tag Archives: Remake
Total Recall (2012)
Colin Farrell is back again as an odd choice for action hero playing “Average Joe” Douglas Quaid. He is a factory worker who helps produce police bots for his world that has been divided in to two separate factions. The remaining world that has survived chemical war fare are living on various levels, all controlled by the government. Douglas’ world remains a stink hole lower class existence until he arrives at Rekall, anxious to install artificial memories in to his brain for the sake of amusement. Upon implanting a fantasy in his mind, Quaid learns he is really a super spy, and now Chancellor Cohaagen who is slowly rising to power, is after him. Along with him and his army of robotic police, there’s Doug’s smoking hot wife Lori, who is revealed to be a skilled assassin who is driven to kill Douglas at all costs.
Martyrs (2016)
Pascal Laugier’s 2008 “Martyrs” was a grueling experience that masked blatant misogyny and torture as a pseudo-intellectual transcendental tale about the afterlife and the pressing question about where we go when we die. Kevin and Michael Goetz’s remake of “Martyrs” is not only a pointless exercise in futility, but it dodges any and all attempts to improve on the goofy ideas about spirituality by mostly dodging them. By dodging the torture and pegging this as cheap exploitation, and alternately dismissing the ideas about the afterlife and transforming this in to a spiritual horror film, it effectively renders itself pretty damn pointless and dull.
Class of 1984 (1982)
Playing at the Alamo Drafhouse Yonkers, January 17th
New teacher Andrew Norris is fighting the rising tide of what would later become the future of the youth. “We are the future,” chants leader Stegman with his gang of punks. “I am your future,” he consistently tells Mr. Norris, and whodathunk he’d be correct? In “Class of 1984” (the prophetic remake of “Blackboard Jungle”) envisions a not too far future where the youth have all but spiraled out of control and our schools are now warzones with the potential for death at every turn. In 1982, “Class of 1984” was something of an exploitation revenge film, but decades later after utterly horrific accounts of school shootings, and students victimizing their teachers, “Class of 1984” is actually ahead of its time.
Our 10 Worst Movies of 2015
With the good comes the bad, and 2015 had its fair share of awful films that left audiences and critics running for the doors. There were some films we outright refused to see this year, so you won’t see “The Human Centipede 3” on this list, nor will you be seeing “Joe Dirt 2,” either. We just will not go out of our way to watch a David Spade vehicle. We also didn’t bother with “The Cobbler.” There’s only so much Happy Madison junk we can stomach.
Bad Movies in 2015 that almost made the list includes the pure havoc Happy Madison wrought with the terrible Pixels, the brutally unfunny Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, and the absolutely unwatchable The Ridiculous 6. We almost included Johnny Depp’s terrible Mortdecai, the piss poor lazy prequel Pan, and also considered the Adam Green self love fest Digging Up the Marrow. We also considered adding the lame and dull We Are Your Friends, and seem to be one of the only five people on Earth who hated Bone Tomahawk. There were just more deserving candidates. On to the Worst of 2015…
Knock Knock (2015)
I’m stunned it took two screenwriters and Eli Roth to write what is a remake that steals bits from “Funny Games.” This time rather than the nemeses being petulant snot nosed young guys, the villains in this instance are two gorgeous young girls. “Knock Knock” is the least incompetently made film from Roth’s ever growing film library, and that’s due to the fact that it borrows a lot from “Funny Games,” despite being an admitted remake of 1977’s “Death Game.” There isn’t the sly self awareness, but Roth and co. do eventually realize how stupid their story is and then completely ride off the rails by the second half.
Ranking the “Night of the Living Dead” remakes from “Inspiring” to “What Were They Thinking?”
At the moment there are almost five remakes of “Night of the Living Dead” in the works, as well as another attempt to remake “Day of the Dead.” One of the “Night” remakes is being tackled by Romero’s opportunist son, who wants to give us an origin of some kind. And there is just no stopping indie filmmakers from digging in to Romero’s masterwork and fiddling around with it to mold their own film out of it. There are many more indie filmmakers right now who think they can do better than Romero ever could, and we’ll just keep seeing more “Night” remakes. Especially now that making movies is so easy and accessible. What was once a tough task that required immense resources is now something that can be accomplished on a fucking cell phone. A cell phone!
Here is the list of “Night” remakes ranked from “Inspired” to “What Were They Thinking?” We’re not counting sequels, remakes of sequels, unofficial sequels, or loose sequels. We’re talking about movies that attempted to completely redo the 1968 “Night of the Living Dead.”
What is your least favorite “Night” remake?