At eighty five minutes in length, if you took out thirty minutes from “The Impaler” you really wouldn’t notice anything missing. I’m not even kidding, what’s drawn out to a painful degree in eighty five minutes could be told in fifty minutes, and we wouldn’t be subjected to a lot of the alleged scares that occur. The movie is so bad that it rips off “Spellcaster,” and hilariously its budget is so low it can’t even rip off the cheesy effects involved with the haunted castle that ensue.
Category Archives: Movie Reviews
Last Action Hero (1993) (DVD)
I know a lot of people argue that “Last Action Hero” was ahead of its time, but I’d wager a bet we’ll likely never see a time where it’d be considered genius. Director John McTiernan matched with Arnold Schwarzenneger bring movie fans an action movie that never knows what it wants to be. It’s too straight faced to be considered satire, too silly to be taken as an action movie, too menacing to be a kids film, and too juvenile for hardcore Schwarzenneger fans. Yes, even more juvenile than “Kindergarten Cop.”Most of “Last Action Hero” can never decide on putting Schwarzenneger’s character in to the background. Considering he’s mostly just a fictional character that young Danny Madigan worships whenever he visits the theaters, it’s jarring the film basically begins on Jack Slater and his adventures.
Airplane vs. Volcano (2014)
The Kondelik brothers’ “Airplane vs. Volcano” sadly doesn’t feature a sentient volcano battling an airplane that talks like KIT from “Knight Rider.” It’s instead a movie very much in the vein of the classic 1970’s disaster movies, with classic TV stars and all. When all was said and done, it watches like an extended episode of a daytime soap opera, with a premise that feels suspiciously like a retread of “Airplane!” Also, Robin Givens is still very beautiful.
Camp Nowhere (1994)
The kids romp “Camp Nowhere” is yet another of the many “Home Alone” clones of the nineties that provides us with kids smarter than actual working adults that happen in to a situation both extraordinary and fantastic. What kid wouldn’t want to make their own summer camp and do what they want rather than stick to schedules, structure and physical activities? “Camp Nowhere” works mainly as a film you have to suspend disbelief for, if only because it’s hard to believe any of these adults could be fooled by children. But then in the nineties every kid was at least ten times smarter than any adult, and they knew their way around the world.
Adjust Your Tracking: The Untold Story of the VHS Collector (2013)
Dan M. Kinem and Levi Peretic really manage to pay amazing respect to VHS collectors with “Adjust Your Tracking,” an entertaining and raucous documentary that chronicles the joys and pitfalls of VHS collecting. Kinem and Peretic are the founders of one of my favorite websites “VHShitfest” and put their rabid love for the VHS format to use by profiling some of the most hardcore VHS collectors in America. The interviews and glimpses in to the collecting of the arguably defunct format never lull, and directors Kinem and Peretic manage to really give audiences a look at why this is such an appealing past time.
Shelter 5 (2014)
Director Aaron Longstreth really has an epic story on his hands, and he manages to depict so many themes and expository shots in a short time frame quite brilliantly. I really want a sequel. Or somewhere down the line a feature film continuation, because Longstreth is at the top of his game here and delivers a quality apocalyptic horror film that will appeal to audiences that love fodder like “The Walking Dead” and “28 Days Later.” Speaking as a fan of both, I loved “Shelter 5.” I watched it twice.
Blank Check (1994)
The early to mid-nineties were filled with movies that really wanted some of that sweet “Home Alone” cash, thus many movie studios pumped out their own versions. You could almost call these rip offs but they were given enough of a twist to where they felt original. “Blank Check” only had about a movie’s worth of story to it, but it tried very hard for the “Home Alone” audience, and really was just a mediocre to abysmal kids film that barely made a ripple upon its release. It’s yet another film about a child that drops in to an extraordinary situation and runs afoul hard nosed criminals that eventually confront him and are put through punishment through his own series of gags, quick thinking, and devices.