Let me preface this review by declaring my sheer utter hatred for Wes Craven’s original “The Last House on the Left.” I don’t care how influential it is or has become, since watching it about four years ago I couldn’t believe my eyes. Here within this seventies grindhouse flick was a truly nihilistic gem hidden beneath an utterly ridiculous sub-plot involving two of the dumbest cops I’ve ever seen. “The Last House on the Left” in spite of its impact on cult filmmaking is one of the worst movies I’ve ever laid eyes on. So with that did I support a remake of it? No. Why? Because for one thing, Craven ripped off “The Virgin Spring” with his film, so it was a remake already, and two this could have been its own film without the tag. Nevertheless with its great cast and atmosphere I approached this with an open mind and guess what? I loved it.
Category Archives: Movie Reviews
It's Groundhog Day Chainsaw Sally! (2009)
On Groundhog day in Porterville Maryland, nine independent filmmakers went deep in to the woods to film a documentary about a string of disappearances and murders that became local folklore and… well, let’s just say they didn’t come across any stupid punk ass witches or giggling children. No, they happened across Chainsaw Sally and her brother Ruby. Stumbling across the group of inept filmmakers, the brother and sister slaughter team decide to bring down their investigation that could lead to their downfall if not stopped. So Chainsaw and Ruby decide to bring down the poor film students one after another cutting off their resources, and cutting off their limbs while having a gay old time.
Hard Ride to Hell (2010)
A slew of young Canadian actors (all of whom I recognize for the wrong reasons) star in a cheap throwback to the seventies satanic horror exploitation films that has the potential to be a very excellent horror flick but is instead cheap C grade hokum worthy of the dregs of the SyFy Channel here in America. In fact I can predict its initial run on DVD to end with an edited commercial interrupted premiere on said cable channel. “Hard Ride to Hell” is a movie with a great idea but an all too convoluted plot that begins with hapless young travelers on a road to nowhere who find themselves in a world of over-complicated and rather dull trouble involving Satan, bikers, satanic bikers, and a sprig of Robert Rodriguez just to tap the familiarity of horror fans.
The Evil Dead (1981)
Sam Raimi’s “The Evil Dead” is a lot like the demonic entities that are featured in the film itself. It’s larger than life, durable, and just can not be brought down no matter what you do. Every single decade has been exposed to the thrills of “The Evil Dead,” and to this day it stands as a horror grindhouse marvel that is so utterly simplistic, yet so damn thrilling. Even in the changing face of gore, special effects and marketing tactics, “The Evil Dead” has become a staple of the genre living on through Beta right in through the new millennium still being hailed as a bonafide classic to be witnessed by people looking for a classic monster movie.
Raimi’s entire career began on the notion that he could implement his talents as a magic aficionado and he achieves a rare feat of horror independent filmmaking in the tradition of George Romero building a lore for himself and also a flagship character. Enlisting the talent of a then unknown Bruce Campbell, Raimi is able to build a competent hero in a horror movie that possesses a final man instead of a final girl, and thanks to Campbell’s ability to over act he makes “The Evil Dead” an entertaining experience bringing us in at eye level as young Ash is forced to watch his girlfriend and two best friends become meat puppets for demonic forces they unleash after listening to a recorded demonic chant in their cabin in the woods.
In spite of the obvious low tech production qualities, Raimi is able to devise a very thematic and moody little nightmarish horror film with some of the best moments in horror history including the infamous tracking shot chasing Ash throughout his cabin as he mugs for the camera and runs for his life, and the (still) disturbing tree rape that continues to stir up some controversy in this day and age. In spite of possessing some rather prehistoric closing sequences, “The Evil Dead” is a creepy little ditty that garners big points for still being genuinely creepy and a royal mind fuck, especially when the screws begin to turn once the demonic forces have been unleashed among these hapless travelers.
The surrounding area of the cabin tend to come to life and become its own character once the demons have been released from their confines and Raimi brings forth the claustrophobic tension and unease we’d see later in John Carpenter’s The Thing, as this unseen force slowly corrupts the likes of every character and we soon watch in wait wondering who among these four people will reveal themselves to be a twisted creation of this pure force of evil and what punishment they’ll inflict on one another when they do show their true colors. And once they do it makes for wicked imagery turning a game of cards in to a fight for life and death, and Raimi even transforms a tragic burial in to a sick game of peekaboo that is adorable when we meet Ash and his girlfriend but is just utterly horrifying when we know she’s been consumed by the darkness and is now just toying with him.
While some of the effects are ancient, the movie still has an indefinable charm to it that guarantees a damn good time even for the most cynical horror geek who creams at the sight of CGI. While the joints are creaky here and there, “The Evil Dead” is in the league of “Night of the Living Dead” and “Jaws” where it continues to be immortal and outlive other horror classics in the face of changing movie going sentiment and horror cynicism. It’s a moody little nightmare worth the watch.
Frankenstein Unlimited (2009)
The folks at Sinema Saliba manage to concoct an interesting indie experimental anthology film around the theme of Frankenstein and rebirth with a series of short films that dabble in narratives revolving around mortality and death all of whom vary in tones of artistic to the utterly absurd. Director Matthew Saliba pulls out all the stops for this anthology picture that deconstructs the tale of Frankenstein and sets the framework down in assorted set pieces and flavors that help this movie feel like a varied buffet of vignettes that will manage to perfectly entice the viewer’s imagination and rethink the concept of the mad doctor and the monster.
Demoni (Demons) (1985)
If you look at “Demoni” from a critical point of view, then you’re not going to enjoy it too much. Who is the messenger of this whole event? Why does the main character envision him before the whole horror goes down? Why is he handing out invitations? What makes these people so special who have the invitations? Why did he pick these people? What was his goal? Who built this movie theater everyone attends? Who funded it? Was it Satan? Why choose a movie theater to take over the world? Why is this demonic movie that plays in the theater cursed? Why is the prop mask that belongs to the movie capable of turning someone in to a demon? Why, if you want to take over the world, do you hide the prop behind a glass? Is there security in this theater?
Family Guy Presents: Something Something Something Dark Side (2009)
Watching “Something, Something, Something Darkside” is similar watching another episode of “Family Guy.” It’s boring, tedious and so intent on being funny it feels as if it has to point out almost every single joke it posits. “Ahaha, the giant chicken is Boba Fett!” says Peter. Get it? Because the chicken fights with Peter in these long drawn out unfunny fight scenes meant to kill time and hide the fact the show is short on actual story. “I’d give my right hand for this day to end.” Get it? Because Chris is Luke and Luke gets his right hand cut off by Darth. When Luke is hanging from Cloud City, Leia asks Luke to raise his right hand. Get it? Because Chris is Luke and Luke gets his right hand cut off by Darth. “Turn the Ship Around” is played when Leia asks Lando Calrissian to turn the ship around to save Luke. Get it? Because of the disco song. Does any of the target audience even know what Disco music is?


