You Have to See This! Bikini Academy (1996)

Posted on August 1, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

Odds are you probably saw “Bikini Academy” in the heyday of late night cable television. It was once a proud institution. Otherwise known as “Babe Watch: Forbidden Parody,” the adult comedy likens itself as a “Baywatch” spoof. In reality there isn’t anything that spoofs or satirizes “Baywatch” save for the fact that most of the movie is set in the beach. In fact almost every shot is filmed during the middle of a sunny day smack dab in the middle of a beach. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

Lucki and her friend Ty-Dy work day to day in a bikini shop and aspire to compete for a job as their local beach’s lifeguards. Training with an uptight drill instructor and hunky trained lifeguard Brock, the two pursue the opportunity in hopes that it can open up their aspirations for modeling and acting. Meanwhile rival Bodacia seeks the job in hopes of improving her modeling career, and will do whatever she can to win, including rigging the contest. That doesn’t sit well with Lucki who has a genuine affection for him, despite his indifference toward her.

And there are boobs. Lots of boobs.

I can think of worse things than watching Kelli Hoffman or Tane McClure for ninety minutes. With small budgets and some pretty crummy actors, Rick Sloane has been able to pull of a pretty great film career with some entertaining schlock. Everything from the silly “Vice Academy” series to the craptastic “Hobgoblins” has managed to achieve some bit of cult fame down the road; especially the latter. Seriously, go watch the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” episode of “Hobgoblins.” It’s one of the funniest two hours of television ever made. That said, “Bikini Academy” is not a spoof or satire, it’s just a really silly C grade sex comedy set on a beach.

I think Rick Sloane probably assumed this kind of beach sex romp would fare well in 1996, which is too bad since movies of this ilk became painfully out of style by 1990. I think in 1986, this might have been just a slight cult classic, rather than simply a cheap sex comedy that you wouldn’t miss, either way. Mind you, “Bikini Academy” is a rare movie from Rick Sloane that is softcore schlock and embraces that fact, but it’s not an experience you have to have. There’s no real up and comer like Johnny Depp in “Private Resort.” It’s just a very raunchy comedy that pulls off some occasional giggles and splashes almost every scene with curvy women in small bikinis.

It doesn’t really try to be anything else but a cheapy schlock, putting gorgeous women in the film front and center, while they compete with one another for a position as a local lifeguard. Sloane’s movie is so thin in concept that he apparently runs out of story after the first forty five minutes and begins staging softcore sex scenes set to library music. You know the kind of scenes I talk about if you ever watched Cinemax After Dark. Yes, it was probably good fodder for late night cable syndication, but it becomes obvious writer-director Sloane is padding the run time as much as he can to fit a ninety minute running time.

“Bikini Academy” revels in its low budget to deliver some of the goofiest comedy and action ever put to film. The characters have to go through a series of “Revenge of the Nerds” like trials and performances that will make them eligible for a big position as a lifeguard and a highly coveted job that will grant them some opportunities. This is especially fortunate for villainous Bodacia, who is hell bent on winning the contest to improve her modeling career. She takes every measure to win, including bedding a judge or two. Along the way the potential lifeguards also have to help the occasional swimmer, including one woman who very nearly gets dragged in to the water by what is obviously a rubber giant squid.

And in case you doubt director Sloane, you can make out the fake wobbling squid under the water as our stunt actress tries to desperately break free from its tentacles. It’s such an inexplicable scene tacked on for absolutely no rationale that you’ll giggle for a bit and then scratch your head baffled. The laughs don’t stop there. As villain Bodacia looks for a cause to bring to the competition to compete for the job of lifeguard, she conveniently finds a single marlin on the beach covered in oil, and decides to use it as an issue to fight for. Forget how nothing else on the beach is covered in oil, but the fish is so obviously a prop that it’s stiff as a board.

Who knew fish get rigor mortis? Or maybe Tane McClure is just that hot. Rick Sloane must know what everyone watching this movie does, because Kelli Hoffman is not only the hottest woman in the movie, but she manages to steal every single scene she’s shares with the cast. Despite only having a small supporting role, and popping up every now and then, every time she does, it’s a treat for the eyes. The real attraction though is Steven Todd Lange as love interest Brock. His performance here is so stilted and rigged, it feels like director Sloane pulled him out of his office during lunch to read some lines and pretend to be invested in his role.

Rick Sloane relies on a steady formula of repeating the same beats again and again: there’s some kind of cat fight between Tane McClure and heroine Raelynn Saalman, someone makes a few sex jokes and double entendres, there’s a few peeks of women in tight bikinis and Kelli Hoffman looks for any excuse to stroll by on screen. In the end, it all feels like Rick Sloane was still stuck in the mid-eighties, and what comes up is a fairly solid diversion that drips gratuitous schlock at every turn. There’s big breasts, big squids, and a running gag centered on corn, for some reason. It’s a classic Rick Sloane oddity.

Mother’s Day (2016) [Blu-Ray/Digital]

Posted on August 1, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

Sadly, ever since “Love Actually” became a standard of the holiday, Hollywood has enlisted hokey melodrama director Garry Marshall to give us a new holiday based ensemble piece of garbage almost every year. “Mother’s Day” is the latest insidious melodrama about a group of very rich, very healthy Caucasian people bickering about how hard their lives are. One character played by Jennifer Aniston, even decides to throw a humongous party for her sons, just because. Man, can you imagine what would happen if these people ever stepped out of their bubbles? “Mother’s Day” is about mother’s day, the mother of all holidays, everyone seems to be obsessed with mother’s day, and they talk about mother’s day because, mothers!

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The Lure (2015) [Fantasia International Film Festival 2016]

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Emilie Black

Sirens attracted by a musician playing on the beach seduce him and his band into taking them in. With them, they become part of the entertainment at a night club while openly being sirens. When one of the girls falls for an earthly boy, she wants to trade her tail for legs, no matter the cost.

Written by Robert Bolestro, The Lure follows two siren sisters, Golden and Silver, as they navigate life on dry land. The story he builds here is interesting and entertaining with lead characters that attract attention and keep it. The story takes some unexpected turns and some less so, but all of them are fun to watch (even the ones less fun for the characters). The ending (no worries, no spoilers) is touching without being schmaltzy. Directing this modern fairytale is Agnieszka Smoczynska who takes the script and turns it into a kind of film version of a Bjork video. She creates a colorfully loud film in some scenes and a subdued one (color-wise) in others.

The way she shoots a domestic fight or an operation is fantastic and something this reviewer has not seen many times before (and I have seen thousands of films). Many scenes are shot in unexpected and original ways, making the film very unique. Adding to these directorial choices is the cinematography by Jakub Kijowski complementing the story and framing every image perfectly. The way this film is shot brings out its peculiar, exciting scenes and contrasts them excellently with the darker ones.

Playing the sirens are Marta Mazureka as Silver (Srebrna) and Michalina Olszanska as Gold (Zwota), both giving great performances. Mazurek shows her soft side, playing the more innocent siren who falls for a human. The way she develops her character is sweet and makes the viewers care about her like a little sister. Olszanska plays the other sister, more bold and mean almost. She brings out the killer side of sirens with gleeful abandon making her performance mesmerizing. One of the support characters stands out form the rest due to the actress’ performance, Wokalistka Krysia, the mom-type character who takes the girls in.

This performance by Kinga Preis is fantastic and layered. She shows the character’s vulnerability and her caring side, than switches to the performer side when her character hits the stage and commands attention, almost stealing scenes from the girls at times. A few of her performance pieces were reminiscent of LuLu.

Also more than worth the price of the ticket is the special effects for the sirens’ tails. They look as real as can be, with fishy scales and some glistening. They are beautiful and grab the attention. There is also some juicy, gooey gore in the aforementioned surgery scene that looks good. Unfortunately, the IMDB page for The Lure has no special effects or visual effects credits.

The Lure is a comedy/drama/musical/horror and as the sirens are singers being taken in by a band the music is highly important. The numbers and performances on screen with the band and then with the girls are fun, flamboyant at times, and highly entertaining. The pop songs are catchy and do not overstay their welcome while the choreography by Kaya Kolodziejczyk and Jaroslaw Staniek adds some sexiness to the girls’ already alluring performances.

The Lure is a great film, like a long form music video that works, reminiscent of Bjork and Mylene Farmer with a true Polish spirit. It offers a lot and is fun while remaining touching. It must be noted that it is Polish cinema’s first musical. The whole crowd at Fantasia ate it up and come out talking about what they had just seen.

Fantasia International Film Festival runs from July 14^th to August 3^rd, 2016.

Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016)

Posted on July 27, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

At this point you kind of have to accept the “Sharknado” movies will never be as good as the novels, so going in to “The 4^th Awakens” means embracing it as a movie, and a media experience. It has a slew of appearances and cameos from notable internet personalities like Andre “The Black Nerd” Benjamin, to character actors like Gilbert Gottfried. Yes, even the Chippendales dancers appear to thrust against some sharks. “Sharknado” is a virtual side show of a genre offering that holds its tongue firmly in cheek, even when turning hero Fin in to a basic rip off of Ashley Williams from “Evil Dead.”

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The Laundryman (2015) [New York Asian Film Festival 2016]

Posted on July 27, 2016 by Emilie Black

A hit man who works for a laundry company as a cover up grows a conscience. He’s highly trained and excels at his job, however, for a while now, he is plagued by ghosts and he must find out what they want from him in order to restore some sort of peace to his life. To do this, he enlists the help of a cute but possible clueless clairvoyant. Through all of it, he finds out more about his victims, his boss, and himself.

The Laundryman is a hybrid horror/comedy/action film by director Chung Lee and written by Yu-Hsyun Chen and Chung Lee. The tale built here fills the complex task of mixing multiple genres without going into parody or satire or become a send-off/homage to its genres. Here the mix of the genres works very well and has the story evolves its elements just work. However, the comedy levels are more present in the first third or so of the film and then occasionally throughout the rest of the film. The comedy works because the viewer is not hit over the head with it.

That being said, some of the scenes are completely ridiculous in the best way possible. The horror, mainly from the ghosts and not much blood outside of a few short scenes works here as well. The ghosts here are not meant to scare but they work so well with the story. The first fight sequence is fantastic, the way its written and shot make it really fun. The rest of the fighting is also entertaining. Getting all of these elements together creates a really fun whole.

The casting here feels rather perfect for the story and the style. Hsiao-chuan (Joseph) Chang is an entertaining lead. He has a charisma that helps carry the whole film. His acting is just about perfect for the material. It may not be the top performance seen at New York Asian Film Festival, but it’s still a damn good one. Supporting him is Regina Wan as the clairvoyant and Sonia Sui as the boss, both opposites until the end. Their performances show excellent talent as they both do extremely well. The cast for the ghosts is fantastic too and they manage to keep a straight face through some truly ridiculous situations.

For a partially horror movie, the effects are not super prominent but what we’re given is well done. The CGI is good and blends well in the scenes where it is present. It’s not overly used which avoids it becoming an annoyance. Outside of the effects, the film looks really good, it grabs the attention from the get go with its colorful representation of Taiwan and the life of a man who, by all accounts, could be living a very grim life. Most of the film, besides the flashbacks, feels all so chipper. In general, the film looks very good.

The Laundryman is a really fun, funny, and entertaining film. It may be hard to find for a while being a festival title, however it’s absolutely worth checking out. The story is good, the acting is on point, the fighting “punchy”, and the ending, all the way after the credits, will make you giggle.

Ghostbusters (2016)

Posted on July 22, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

If you subscribe to the idea of multiverses (where there are various universes for TMNT, DC Superheroes, and Marvel superheroes alike), I like to think of “Ghostbusters” 2016 as an Elseworlds tale, where the concept of Ghostbusters exists, but on its own plain and on its own terms. The Ghostbusters we know from the eighties are also existent, but in their own personas and fulfilling their own purposes. “Ghostbusters” 2016 even as its own horror comedy is just mediocre. It’s not as great as the original “Ghostbusters” but is definitely a notch above “Ghostbusters 2.” Melissa McCarthy is her usual wry self as Abby Yates, a once paranormal researcher who has spent many years trying live down co-publishing a book about the paranormal.

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The Secret Life of Pets (2016)

Posted on July 21, 2016 by Felix Vasquez

The best way to describe “The Secret Life of Pets” is “Toy Story” meets “Looney Tunes.” In fact the “Toy Story” comparisons are never far off, as the film’s formula is most derived from Pixar’s film where we view the secret lives of everyday household elements when their owners aren’t looking. This time we set down on a random apartment complex in the middle of Manhattan where a slew of household pets commune and indulge in their own hobbies when their owners are out for the day. Louis CK does a wonderful job voicing Max, the hero of the film who is a terrier and loyal friend to his owner Katie. While Katie is gone for the day, Max gets together with the pets of the building to talk over the day and discuss what they think happens when their masters are gone.

Eliie Kemper as Katie is a single working woman with a heart for dogs who bonds with Max, and then suddenly brings home a new dog one day. Max is horrified and angry when Katie brings home big fluffy dog Duke, a well meaning adopted pet who tries to make friends with Max and then forms a rivalry when he realizes Max is trying to get him kicked out of the house. While being walked one day, Duke tricks Max in to going on to a construction site, prompting the pair to get lost in the city. With dog hunters and vicious cat on their tail, the two have to work together with the help of anti-owner revolutionary leader, the bunny Snowball. Meanwhile puffy dog and neighbor Gidget goes looking for Max and Duke, hell bent on bringing them back home.

“The Secret Life of Pets” is a subtle celebration of New York City, where our animal characters travel all throughout New York in an attempt to get hack home. The movie doesn’t attempt too much emotional complexity or adult themes, but instead revels in its silliness, ace animation, and often laugh out loud comedy. One particular scene involving an old woman’s reaction to a baby in its carriage is quite hysterical. The animation opts for a very unique and fun style in the vein of Chuck Jones and Tex Avery. Despite the movie injecting a lot of heart at the core of its narrative about animals and their devotion to their humans, the animation is decidedly exaggerated with a lot of the characters presented in over the top animated forms.

Even tough heroine Gidget is presented as something of a barking and talking puff ball throughout the film. At a little over seventy minutes, “The Secret Life of Pets” has no room for filler or flab to its story, providing a brisk and hilarious adventure with a genuine sense of emotion to it. It’s a fun, funny, and simple animated film, and one of the better animated entries to come to theaters. While yes it can be accused of taking from “Toy Story,” Max and Duke are genuinely entertaining heroes I hope we can see more of soon.