While I appreciate the inherent ambition behind the script written by Matthew Sand and J. Michael Straczynski, any and all potential for absolute entertainment is wasted in the first fifteen minutes. Folks looking for a splatterific ninja quest will find the prologue to be one of the most grotesque and twisted openings to a ninja film. And then it goes downhill from there. It seems like the writers just aren’t happy enough with exploring the quest of ninja Raizo, but they instead want to focus on back story after meaningless back story.
Tag Archives: Ninjas
Ninja Cheerleaders (2008)
You know what? “Ninja Cheerleaders” is trash but it’s trash you can admire. It’s a mixture of “3 Ninjas” with some “Bikini Carwash” for good measure, a veritable knock off of TMNT where director David Presley replaces teenage ninja turtles for teenage ninja cheerleaders. Starring three gorgeous and often cute young women, “Ninja Cheerleaders” tries for nothing more than pushing the limit upon with our actresses are willing to go. So while there is innuendo, there’s never any sex, and the women here are never sure if they want to be feminist icons or trashy slutty molds for what the movie begs. The plot is nothing you haven’t seen a thousand times before.
Sucker Punch (2011)
You have to appreciate Zack Snyder’s ambition for at least trying to tell a story. The man has proven himself in many regard, and with “Sucker Punch” he tries his best to deliver crowd pleasing entertainment that won’t polarize his fan base. The problem is, he never lets us in on the fact that deep down “Sucker Punch” is just a teenage melodrama disguised as a genre film. Sure it’s a journey of the self, and the mission of a group of young women to take on robots and monsters, but they’re all just metaphors.
Turtles Forever: Director's Cut
If you’re one of the kids who grew up during the golden age of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when they were all that any kid in their right talked about, then this form of nostalgiasploitation is one you’ll have a damn good time with. For anyone hoping to re-live their youth while also looking in to what the current incarnation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are up to, the best form of marketing for all the audiences of this franchise comes in the form of “Turtles Forever,” a reality bending, genre twisting mini-movie that works as a satire on the eighties series, a tribute to the current incarnation and a respectful nod to the classic Turtles.
Ninja (2009)
If you’re looking for a big hunk of eighties ham and cheese perfected by Michael Dudikoff with “American Ninja,” you have to look no further than the 2009 ham and cheese feast known as “Ninja”! From start to finish this movie is based around some of the hammiest acting I’ve ever seen and is centered on some truly cheesy storylines that have about as much originality as a Jean Claude Van Damme Movie. Hell, the little boy in me loved the whole ninja mysicism behind Scott Adkin’s starring vehicle matched with the blundering storyline that was about predictable as you can imagine if you have your eyes wide open throughout the first twenty minutes, but for all intents and purposes the Isaac Florentine actioner is not intent on being a masterpiece of action cinema.
Big Tits Zombie (Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5) (2010)
Normally I’m not a fan of the Asian horror comedy movies since about half of them are really god awful, but I just couldn’t resist “Big Tits Zombie.” Not only is the title absolutely brilliant, but it has zombies, and I just recently discovered Sola Aoi on the internet, thus I couldn’t pass up a chance to see her fighting zombies and jiggling every which way. The fact remains that if I have to sit through another zombie movie, I should at least watch hot Asian women with gorgeous busts bringing them down. It’s a fair compromise.
NinjaTown: Adventures of the Wee Ninja Volume 1
“Ninjatown” is almost exactly like Mr. Men, except that the Mr. Men here are all ninjas, and their enemies are Zombie Ninjas and Wee Devil’s, hand shape monsters who invent devious schemes like destroying the Ninjatown with giant Waffles. Si, giant waffles! “Ninjatown” has no dialogue, no story, no arc, and almost no mythos, and I was able to read the entire 46 pages (or volume 1, as it were) in fifteen minutes.