If you ever sat down and wondered “Why did it take so long for an Iron Man movie to hit theaters?” then you’d be wise to sit down and watch “Steel.” Not only did studios not invest in loyal adaptations of superheroes in the nineties, but the concept of a man in a metal suit fighting crime was impossible to put on screen. Especially if you have a studio unwilling to invest in committing to the concept and making it feel somewhat realistic with CGI. Steel was originally birthed as a Superman clone with a concept very similar to Iron Man. John Henry Irons was a weapons developer betrayed by his organization.

When Superman died, he took his weapons of mass destruction and used them to build a steel suit to help keep law and order in Metropolis. When Superman came back from the dead to take back his mantle, Steel became his own superhero with dignity and some sense of stature, but was always something of a fourth rate Iron Man clone. Obviously Warner took the concept and premise for this somewhat notable superhero and turned it in to a clunky and campy superhero adventure with zero stakes. Suddenly everything Jon Bogdanove, and Louise Simonson worked toward in making “Steel” somewhat of a hero in his own right was undone by this ridiculous movie. Here, there are only three vague references to Superman, while Shaquille plays an unconvincing military officer who is also developing weapons for combat. Judd

Nelson plays villain Nathaniel Burke whose lust for violence destroys their experiment causing John Henry Irons to be discharged from the military while Annabeth Gish as friend Sparky, is rendered a paraplegic. When John returns home, he learns his weapons are being streamlined for gang combat, and Nathaniel is behind it, making a deal with an arcade game exec to distribute and sell his high tech weapons. And he’s really evil, because they’re recruiting teenagers to test their weapons, booga, booga! “Steel” is a marvel of superhero cinema, mainly because it’s so painful watching Shaquille O’Neal stomping around in a heavy steel suit that looks so ill fitted to his form it gets gradually more embarrassing as the film unfolds. Why even bothering to adapt Steel is mind boggling, but adapting him in to this kids film makes the investment so much more horrendous.

The initial revelation of Shaq’s character John as Steel is supposed to be awe inspiring and cool, but Shaq looks so goofy in costume. It’s bad enough the suit looks heavy and clunky, Shaq can barely run around in it, but the helmet he wears makes him look awfully cross eyed. I’m willing to suspend my disbelief at a man running around in a clunky metal costume, but the police in the movie are so inept, they can barely keep up with the man moving as slow as molasses. Plus, it wouldn’t be too hard to find Steel’s alter ego. Just look for the only man in the city who is seven feet tall. From there, “Steel” is reliant on a heavy formula of repetition and camp that’s more obnoxious than cute.

To make the cruel experience more endurable here’s a good drinking game for you: Take two shots every time Shaq makes a basketball reference. Take a shot every time Shaq mumbles through a line. Take a shot every time Shaq rips something apart or breaks someone’s property. Take two shots every time Judd Nelson flares his nostrils. Your liver will be shot by the time the movie comes to a merciful close. Thankfully, “Steel” didn’t complete destroy the comic book movie, as it took “Blade” only a year later to prove comic book movies could be a bankable property worthy of an audience and franchise. The media usually credits “X-Men” but really, it started with “Blade.”