American Scary (2006)

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One of the many classic devices of American television much of today’s youth will never get a chance to experience is the horror host. Though there are many talented performers keeping the tradition alive, we don’t have a glut of horror hosts as we once had. And it’s a shame because horror movies are ultimately an experience, and the horror host is the persona that keeps us watching and makes the viewing experience worthwhile in the end. “American Scary” is a brilliant and utterly fantastic tribute to the age of horror hosts, and really excels at informing audiences of a once American facet of television that no longer exists.

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Bikini Chain Gang (2005)

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I don’t know what’s weirder, the fact that movie is a satire of women in prison movies or that I recognized that 90 percent of the cast for “Bikini Chain Gang” are porn stars. But then Fred Olen Ray’s comedy about women in prison is really just a mid-level porno that’s about ninety minutes. Well–fifty, when you cut out the monotonous sex scenes that injected mid-story. Basically, the story is so utterly simple it’s as if Fred Olen Ray wrote the premise down on a cocktail napkin in between bouts of Scotch and sniffing coke off of Asian strippers’ backs.

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Day of the Dead (1985)

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dotd3So the zombie apocalypse came and went and guess what? We lost. Miserably. After the world has been consumed by the cannibalistic walking dead by the hordes, there are really only a few dozen living humans on the planet. And they’re struggling to maintain the lingering shreds of sanity they still possess. Once upon a time, a long time ago, “Day of the Dead” was considered the lesser of the Dead trilogy from director George A. Romero, and it’s quite shocking considering “Day of the Dead” is a masterpiece. In fact it’s every bit as good as its predecessors “Night” and “Dawn” with just as much thought provoking material as the former titles.

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Prometheus (2012)

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PrometheusBasically what’s hypothesized in “Prometheus” is what if the thing that created us sought out the answers to what created it? And what if in the process of figuring out its own creation, it managed to accidentally create us? And what would happen if the thing that created us in a mission to figure out what created it, actually really wasn’t a God, and pretty much hates out guts for being accidental spawns of its experimentation? It’s a dichotomy and a contradiction that’s worth exploring, because it’s a startling and absolutely crushing notion to comprehend, but not with “Prometheus.”

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Superman vs. The Elite (2012)

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I understand what “Superman vs. The Elite” is trying to say and what it’s attempting to convey. We’re in a world where the boy scout in tights in longer in vogue. Now we have a bunch of misanthropic homophobic thugs in colorful outfits who are calling themselves superheroes. And the public is eating that crap up with a spoon. I’m one of the few hold outs who actually love his superheroes like Superman and less like the cynical crapola Garth Ennis spews on to the page. Ooh, he said “faggot,” ooh his superheroes have sex with guys, ooh he’s mocking Batman, he’s so edgy and unique!

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Rocko's Modern Life: Season One (DVD)

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Although I am a fan of “Spongebob Squarepants” it’s tough to watch “Rocko’s Modern Life” today without thinking that Nickelodeon might have lifted some of the formula from this classic 1993 series. Tom Kenny plays a well meaning dingo who approaches life with optimism and humilty, much like Spongebob.

He has a wacky and loyal pet, a goofy puffy best friend who is lacking in the sense department, and a foil with a perpetual scowl who often makes sure the main protagonist is miserable for no reason. The only exception is that “Rocko’s Modern Life” has better writing in its favor and a rather better following of cartoon lovers and nineties kids whom fondly remember soaking in this surreal but fun cartoon series about the misadventures of the lovable Rocko.

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Our Top Ten Disney Channel Original Movies Of All Time

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If you’re a child of the nineties, the odds are you had cable television. Before the Miley Cyrus’ and Raven Symone’s the Disney Channel made a habit of airing some of their own original movies that many kids grew up with. Some of them were clunky, some absolutely forgettable, and many of them are still remembered by nostalgia buffs to this day. Even before Disney figured out how to market their stars, Disney Channel original movies were filled with potential young movie stars who’d go on to make at least two or three movies of the same title like “Zenon” or “Cheetah Girls.”

The Disney Channel original movies gained their momentum in the early to mid nineties displaying some real family classics and as nostalgia goons we’re unabashedly listing our top ten Disney Channel movies of all time. What can we say? We have a soft spot for Disney.

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