Big Driver (2014)

bigdriverI’m personally a fan of revenge thrillers, and am quite surprised to see Stephen King of all people concoct a rape revenge thriller. Out of the sub-genre, they’re the most notorious of the sub-sub-genres. “Big Driver” is an often toothless and ridiculous rape revenge thriller about a writer who may possibly be going mad after being viciously and repeatedly raped in a road side gas station by a hulking driver. He’s known as “Big Driver,” and is a very menacing and horrific villain. That is until the narrative unfolds and then he becomes a cartoon. It’s not enough that he may possibly be a trucker that had an impulse to rape and victimize a gorgeous woman on an abandoned road.

And it’s not enough that perhaps he has snared his share of victims in the past. No, King has to keep piling on absurd twists and turns with our villain Big Driver, while pretending to say something about writers. Truly, the writers’ psyche can be a maddening and unusual place, but for Tess Thorne, she’s a woman who’s been victimized one too many times and has an odd selection of friends. She has her characters from her book series about knitting elderly women solving crimes, her GPS named Tom (the only trustworthy man in her life), a cat named Fritz, and a neighbor who may or may not be romantically involved with Thorne.

Nothing is ever really confirmed for the audience, as every element of the plot is thrown up in to the air and never really resolved. At one point it’s suggested the stylish revenge plot is all in Tess’s mind but it’s never confirmed. Then we’re told that her confrontation with Big Driver was planned. “That’s a little far fetched,” Tess thinks aloud. But lo and behold, it’s not too far fetched the primary narrative itself. And by god King goes all the way, with a dramatic confrontation, and an abrupt final scene that may or may not be one big imaginary sequence in Tess’ slowly unraveling mind. What is the horrendous life Tess had? Why does Tess come across another victimized woman? What insight does this moment lend her exactly?

Is Tom the imagining of an ex-boyfriend or just a creation of Tess’s to compensate for her lack of romance? If Tess really is so closed off to everyone, why does she live in such an open suburban neighborhood? And what of the loose ends like Tess taking a limo home after being raped? No one really reported her injuries? I’m not sure if “Big Driver” is supposed to be a meta-thriller about a writer who enacts revenge through means that seem almost too good to be realistic, and the almost ridiculous sequence of events are intentionally silly, but “Big Driver” is too haphazardly written and sloppily directed to really answer that for the audience. In the end, it’s a terrible thriller with more head scratching questions than answers.

Murderdrome (2013) (DVD)

MURDERDROMEDVDI love the idea of a horror movie centering on heroines that also happen to be brawling roller derby babes. And I love the idea of a slasher film centered on the whole roller derby motif, but it seems that director Daniel Armstrong has a nugget of an idea for a horror movie centering on roller derby, and then really has nowhere to go with it. The DVD case describes “MurderDrome” as equal parts action, romance comedy, and slasher, and yet all three of those elements are never balanced out. Everything about “MurderDrome” feels painfully uneven, to where fans of either sub-genre will be anxious to see director Armstrong deliver. Truthfully the characters were so fun I wouldn’t have minded a romance comedy about roller derby squads, but “MurderDrome” desperately wants to be a horror movie. Even if the horror feels awkwardly tacked on.

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The Gate (1987)

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It’s really tough to separate my bias for “The Gate” and be objective about the entire film. “The Gate” is one film that was on constant rotation for me as a child, and it was a pure favorite of mine in the days when my only source of movie viewing was the WPIX primetime movie during the week. “The Gate” is almost like Lovecraft for the Goonies audience that thankfully hasn’t worn much in its old age. It’s tonally uneven, granted, but still such a damn fun horror fantasy.

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Deep Rising (1998)

DeepRisingFor a movie with so much story and set up, it’s shocking how well “Deep Rising” comes together. Stephen Sommers is really committed to delivering a squared jawed hero with a lot of his action movies, and “Deep Rising” gives us Treat Williams in rare form. Director Sommers’ B monster movie action flick is still a lot of fun, despite the aged special effects and slew of sub-plots, some of which are left unresolved. That said, “Deep Rising” has all the ingredients for a fun and raucous action horror film.

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The Mummy Returns (2001)

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Man, Evie and Rick O’Connell have to be two of the most incompetent movie heroes ever conceived. Not only do they bring the mummy to life in the first movie, but in the opening of the second film, they desecrate a tomb, and steal a sacred bracelet that their snot nosed son slips on. Even worse, their son is kidnapped, and said bracelet is going to kill him in a week if he doesn’t find a mythical oasis. There’s a big difference between being an average Joe adventurer like Indiana Jones, and a bungling nincompoop like the O’Connell’s. Seriously, is it so hard to watch one child? And if you’re handling priceless artifacts that are absolutely irreplaceable, why entrust it to an eight year old kid?

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The Mummy (1999)

the-mummy-1999

Stephen Sommers’ ridiculously successful reboot of “The Mummy” is a film that almost gets the formula correct. It’s like a cocktail of action, comedy, romance, horror, and adventure that almost becomes the perfect marriage of sub-genres, but never quite hits the mark; even when it’s at its best. “The Mummy” is incredibly uneven and tough to really respond to, because Sommers seems to want to opt for action, while Universal seems anxious to embrace the horror. Thus it’s all so unbalanced and drags down an action horror comedy hybrid with potential to be a classic.

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Leprechaun 2 (1994)

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So apparently, not only does the leprechaun value his gold beyond all else, but he also requires a bride, too. His convoluted rules are that if the bride sneezes three times and no one but the leprechaun blesses her, he can marry her and she’s eternally bound to the knee high monster. The sequel to “Leprechaun” opens in ancient Ireland, where the leprechaun agrees to free his man servant, once he chooses his bride. Unaware the bride is the servant’s gorgeous daughter the servant outwits the leprechaun, causing him to look elsewhere for his bride. Which takes a thousand years on St. Patrick’s Day, for some reason.

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