Oh no! A woman! She has no testicles! She’s going to PMS all over us! What a wacky new dynamic in the Expendables! What’s up for part three? A dog? Kids? I wish “The Expendables 2” was a great follow up to the fun original film, but sadly it isn’t. It has this idea that including a woman in the group will somehow stir things and create tension, but it feels hackneyed and ancient. Plus, with a female version of “The Expendables” waiting in the wings, this plot device feels forced and trite. It also sadly feels like a way to derail a lot of the homoerotic tension between Jason Statham and Sly Stallone’s characters, and that’s a shame. Their bromance makes for some good dialogue and interplay, and to wedge a woman in between them feels like over compensation of the worst form.
Category Archives: Movie Reviews
Django Unchained (2012)
In the tradition of “The Legend of Nigger Charley,” and “Boss Nigger,” director Quentin Tarantino tips his hat to the exploitation cinema of the seventies with his own epic tale of slavery, freedom, and avenging those that have been unjustly murdered. Quite possibly Tarantino’s boldest and most courageous cinematic undergoing, “Django Unchained” is yet again another wonderful love letter to classic exploitation cinema, and one that Tarantino revels in soaking with adoration, providing viewers with one of the few African American western heroes with a back story that taps in to the tropes of the hero’s journey. While many did decry “Django Unchained” as exploitative and hyper violent, Tarantino definitely has his finger on the pulse and knows full well what immortalized the classic blaxploitation westerns. They thrived on hyper violence and slavery revenge fantasies and Tarantino holds nothing back with a relentlessly violent and entertaining love letter to his favorite sub-genre.
LOL (2012)
In vogue bright eyed teen stars are a dime a dozen in America, and they have a shorter shelf life than a can of beans. Often times a teen star can rise and fade before anyone even remembers their name, and it’s a struggle to fight for career success beyond being young and beautiful. What’s worse is teen stars are more and more presenting talent and aren’t the manufactured product that Disney keeps churning out. Miley Cyrus has shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that, like most teen Disney stars the studio churns out year after year, she’s pretty much fading in to the background.
Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)
The first mistake “Retribution” makes is that it assumes people actually care about the story. Not to make an assumption so early, but “Retribution” has a story that’s very paper thin and used as a guideline for stunts and featuring Jovovich naked. What story there is makes no sense and is convoluted as hell. Assuming the audience cares, “Retribution” plays catch up for the audience in the first five minutes with a look back at the first four movies almost as if this is a some exciting epic we just have to catch up with. If you are watching the fifth part of a movie without having seen the first four, why are you wasting your time? And if you’ve seen the first four and are intent on watching this new entry, when did you decide good movies were no longer worth your time?
Robo Formers: Star of Fear (VHS)
Back in the nineties, I spent many a day trying to build up my own movie collection, and for poor folk, that’s tough. Imagine my surprise when after receiving my allowance I retreated to the local dollar store and saw some VHS movies for me to purchase with my own money. Granted, they weren’t blockbuster films, but they were public domain cartoons, and some pretty interesting gems that only bargain hunters discovered.
Dredd (2012)
What’s sad about director Peter Travis and writer Alex Garland’s “Dredd” is that it’s the comic book movie of the character Judge Dredd, that fans probably deserve. And they may not get a sequel at all, since its release in 2012 did little to stir the franchise potential of it all. The ingredients are all here for “Dredd” to kick off a wonderful series. There are a people behind the movie who take the material seriously, there’s zero camp, star Karl Urban plays Judge Dredd as an anti-hero and not like a clown, there’s no comic relief, and Judge Dredd never once takes his helmet off during the movie. To compensate for his lack of face time, Urban scowls and emotes more zealously than his prior roles for Dredd, and it pays off without an inch of over the top dialogue delivery to be found.
Chernobyl Diaries (2012) [Blu-Ray/DVD/Ultraviolet]
Fish, and dogs, and bears, oh my. It’s ninety minutes of bumps, and shadows all leading in to basically nothing but a movie that doesn’t even deliver the money shots as far as “The Hills Have Eyes” wannabes go. Maybe they’re saving it for a sequel somewhere down the line? If you’re looking for some vicious mutants attacking silly Americans on a tour, “Chernobyl Diaries” never seems to be sure how to handle its premise. It never seems to try to gratuitous, so it skimps out on literally everything that could have made this a disturbing film, altogether. There’s little to no bloodshed to be had, most of the action is either implied or off-screen in to the darkness, and as far as monsters go? If you want to see some annoying wild dogs chase after our heroes for thirty minutes, then this might be up your alley. The confusing aspect of “Chernobyl Diaries” is that it’s been lumped in with all of the other recent found footage titles, but in reality it isn’t.